Four early toasts to the new year:
One, to you my old love. Let yourself off the rack. Just be happy. If she makes you happy, stay, and open yourself to it. Thank you for all you gave me. I forgive you for the parts where you were wrong. I forgive me for the parts where I was wrong.
One, towards the ocean, which my sailing adventure this summer made me love even more. May your tides wash away bad memories, bad karma, and bad feelings, and sweep the beach clean for fresh sandwriting.
And one for friendship, in its many forms. To friends I don't see enough, friends I only see online, friends I see once in a blue moon and never feel far from; and to new friends and whatever real estate they have staked out in my life. Your support and distraction and encouragement and care help make the unbearable bearable, and make my life better, every day.
And the last toast to me, my oldest and most familiar friend. You deserve joy. 2009 may bring it, but you must prepare yourself by aerating the ground.
Ok, one last unplanned toast... to the cheesemakers. Blessed are the cheesemakers.
I have opinions on things and I like to talk about them.
31.12.08
the best thing about divorce?
Being able to commiserate and applaud friends who are divorcing and leaving bad and / or loveless marriages. Mind you, my divorce was almost ridiculously easy and well-informed by J's and my care for each other and Maddie. Congrats to Ian and Russ. :)
Onward and upward (and congrats, Russell!)
Onward and upward (and congrats, Russell!)
30.12.08
Random things that make me happy
I refuse to start with a number goal. In no particular order.
Cheese
Scrabble
Chris Turner
Celeste Fisher
Maddie
Receiving flowers
A nice cologne
Cats
Tidy spaces
Big Brother
Coffee. GOOD coffee
Hunting in second hand stores
Piers Anthony novels
Vampires
Catchy silly dance songs
Bananaphone
Sexy lingerie
Bubble baths
Wine
family
Trees
Playing cards
Winning :)
Friends
Getting texts
A rich shade of dark purple
Cooking for someone else
Being understood
That giggly turtle toy
Seeing Jenny
Guns & Roses
Stanfest
Good design
Fuzzy pillows
Nice wood
LOLcats
The Coalition
Dr. Pepper
Good hair days
Not an exhaustive list by any means.
Back to Four Strong Winds. G, A minor, D, C, E minor....
Cheese
Scrabble
Chris Turner
Celeste Fisher
Maddie
Receiving flowers
A nice cologne
Cats
Tidy spaces
Big Brother
Coffee. GOOD coffee
Hunting in second hand stores
Piers Anthony novels
Vampires
Catchy silly dance songs
Bananaphone
Sexy lingerie
Bubble baths
Wine
family
Trees
Playing cards
Winning :)
Friends
Getting texts
A rich shade of dark purple
Cooking for someone else
Being understood
That giggly turtle toy
Seeing Jenny
Guns & Roses
Stanfest
Good design
Fuzzy pillows
Nice wood
LOLcats
The Coalition
Dr. Pepper
Good hair days
Not an exhaustive list by any means.
Back to Four Strong Winds. G, A minor, D, C, E minor....
RIP Peter
Sad news swirling around the internet today. The pieced together story thus far, based on hearsay and surmise, is that sometime on the weekend, my favourite bartender got punched and didn't go to emergency, but instead went home. He was found dead there yesterday evening. He was 44.
"My favourite bartender" may sound a bit like I'm a barfly or at least it's a relationship not worth too much lamentation if I'm not an alcoholic. And perhaps that's true. I certainly didn't know anything about Peter beyond his name and that he looked a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegar. Well, I did know he was level-headed, and kind, and had a wonderful dry sense of humour. He remembered people, and enjoyed them...a key quality in anyone in the service industry. He was also big enough to dissuade any stupid sucker punches... usually.
He worked at Gus's Pub, the 'neighborhood bar' nearest me at work. I remember when I started, I joked that part of the reason I wanted the job was to be close to Gus'. It has a great, special atmosphere, that bar, a funny mix of locals who've been going there a long time, mostly those who wander to the VLTs, and many of the young people who've discovered Gus' since they started hosting punk shows. It's comfortable. Like Cheers.
I wish I'd known Peter better. He seemed like an interesting fellow, and there was a lot to him beyond what I saw at Gus', I'm sure.
Thoughts and condolences to his family, friends and loved ones... and all those, like me, who will miss his humour and welcoming smile.
"My favourite bartender" may sound a bit like I'm a barfly or at least it's a relationship not worth too much lamentation if I'm not an alcoholic. And perhaps that's true. I certainly didn't know anything about Peter beyond his name and that he looked a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegar. Well, I did know he was level-headed, and kind, and had a wonderful dry sense of humour. He remembered people, and enjoyed them...a key quality in anyone in the service industry. He was also big enough to dissuade any stupid sucker punches... usually.
He worked at Gus's Pub, the 'neighborhood bar' nearest me at work. I remember when I started, I joked that part of the reason I wanted the job was to be close to Gus'. It has a great, special atmosphere, that bar, a funny mix of locals who've been going there a long time, mostly those who wander to the VLTs, and many of the young people who've discovered Gus' since they started hosting punk shows. It's comfortable. Like Cheers.
I wish I'd known Peter better. He seemed like an interesting fellow, and there was a lot to him beyond what I saw at Gus', I'm sure.
Thoughts and condolences to his family, friends and loved ones... and all those, like me, who will miss his humour and welcoming smile.
29.12.08
two nights in a row
Nothing stupid. Yay me.
Thank god for The Book. Clearly I was meant to go in the library today for just that reason.
Although tonight was awkward, my friend, and I wanted nothing more than to touch you. But there, The Book does not approve of such talk, nor should you. But then, if you weren't expecting to see that, you haven't been reading.
Thank god for The Book. Clearly I was meant to go in the library today for just that reason.
Although tonight was awkward, my friend, and I wanted nothing more than to touch you. But there, The Book does not approve of such talk, nor should you. But then, if you weren't expecting to see that, you haven't been reading.
28.12.08
It was hard
not to do something freshly stupid.
I managed mostly well, and for that I am proud of myself.
I managed mostly well, and for that I am proud of myself.
Important Motherly Duties
Tonight I took Maddie to the Dog Day / NoA show at the North Street Church. We were doing the pop sales as an EAC fundraiser. Volunteers Aaron, Akhtar and Scott showed up to do the work, so Maddie and I jammed in the kitchen, dancing our fool heads off to Dog Day. As soon as NoA took the stage though, she was ready to go, which was hardly nice of her when Mark had been so friendly to us.
Not sure what Hali's indie scene thinks of a kid at a show, but hell, it was all ages. I hope that this early taste gives her a feel for music, but also shows her that people she knows, maybe even she can be on stage playing music. Despite Terry's drumming, I never really absorbed that lesson and it took me years to get past my stupid hero worship attitude (as if I am now, she says, remembering that embarrassing gushing to benn ross two weeks ago).
Not sure what Hali's indie scene thinks of a kid at a show, but hell, it was all ages. I hope that this early taste gives her a feel for music, but also shows her that people she knows, maybe even she can be on stage playing music. Despite Terry's drumming, I never really absorbed that lesson and it took me years to get past my stupid hero worship attitude (as if I am now, she says, remembering that embarrassing gushing to benn ross two weeks ago).
Sunday in the holidays
Slow day except Maddie and I have been all over town trying to get shit together for the canteen at the NoA show tonight.
Compostable cups... no
Float.... no
everything else... okay except the propeller soda was HOLY FRICKING EXPENSIVE. Not really, but for a fundraiser... and they weren't jumping in with the free box either. Hopefully they'll let us refund what we don't sell.
Float is my biggest issue now. Where the heck can we get change? on a sunday? GD casino wasn't any help.
Oh well. Work out now. Let the universe turn and see what comes up.
Compostable cups... no
Float.... no
everything else... okay except the propeller soda was HOLY FRICKING EXPENSIVE. Not really, but for a fundraiser... and they weren't jumping in with the free box either. Hopefully they'll let us refund what we don't sell.
Float is my biggest issue now. Where the heck can we get change? on a sunday? GD casino wasn't any help.
Oh well. Work out now. Let the universe turn and see what comes up.
26.12.08
So that's it then.
Perhaps a wise resolution for me would be focus on everything but interpersonal relationships this next year. No men. No heart. No loins. A neuter, non-sexual, non-romantic approach.
I might as well try and learn to translate Sanskrit into Japanese as well.
For many years my heart would shatter with
Sudden turns in the weather... it
Seems I needed a weather proof heart,
Although my solution was also ingenious,
I thought.
I pulled out my heart and gave it to a
Bird flying by on its way to sunny climes
And now the bird and my heart are always
Healthy and I, being heartless, never cry.
I might as well try and learn to translate Sanskrit into Japanese as well.
For many years my heart would shatter with
Sudden turns in the weather... it
Seems I needed a weather proof heart,
Although my solution was also ingenious,
I thought.
I pulled out my heart and gave it to a
Bird flying by on its way to sunny climes
And now the bird and my heart are always
Healthy and I, being heartless, never cry.
in 1988
In 1988, there was a boy named Brian who was interested in me, and I was interested in him, but at the time I was still "officially" seeing my first love. I told Brian, just before going home the November 11 weekend, that nothing could ever happen between us. It wasn't meant to be. I loved Bruce, and he had only to crook his finger, and I would come running.
you know what's coming, Bruce chose the November 11 weekend to break up and tell me he'd been seeing someone else for two months.
I still think about Brian (in fact, I still see him and his lovely wife from time to time)... not in a current pining way, but in a, what might have been kind of way. And part of what I think about is the way that Brian described the connection we had... like "I met myself, only as a girl".
I feel like I'm only just recognizing that I have met myself, only as a man. Can I stand that? Is this actual feeling or just recognition and empathy?
you know what's coming, Bruce chose the November 11 weekend to break up and tell me he'd been seeing someone else for two months.
I still think about Brian (in fact, I still see him and his lovely wife from time to time)... not in a current pining way, but in a, what might have been kind of way. And part of what I think about is the way that Brian described the connection we had... like "I met myself, only as a girl".
I feel like I'm only just recognizing that I have met myself, only as a man. Can I stand that? Is this actual feeling or just recognition and empathy?
So I had to ask
You spend a lot of time on line reading blogs (I haven't noted mine in that extensive bookmark list, but who knows?) ... Do you have a blog?
And he looks at me like I'm being disingenuous, which makes me feel like maybe i am, although the question was genuine, and I honestly didn't know.
But I asked. And he said yes. And that was that.
So I resist looking for .... what, ten minutes? Yes, "stalker" rings in my ears but ... it's public domain, for the luvagod! and... all I want is perspective. To see where I am in the picture, and I can't from here, because, well, I'm behind the viewfinder.
I expected it to be a music blog, actually. That would have made sense. Instead it's... like this. Another one of those funny things. Reading the deep parts of someone close's heart and feeling awkward and tender and vulnerable just from reading.
What a relief to see I'm... invisible in that horizon. Yes. A real relief. How can I claim hurt when this is the contract I signed? There has been no lies. Ever. And it's true, if there is a tiny spot of pain, it's nothing like the wringing wretched poison that racked me for most of the year, from the lies and the falsity.
You have always been upfront with me, my friend, and you have retaught me what gratitude feels like. I do not begrudge you your romances.
And he looks at me like I'm being disingenuous, which makes me feel like maybe i am, although the question was genuine, and I honestly didn't know.
But I asked. And he said yes. And that was that.
So I resist looking for .... what, ten minutes? Yes, "stalker" rings in my ears but ... it's public domain, for the luvagod! and... all I want is perspective. To see where I am in the picture, and I can't from here, because, well, I'm behind the viewfinder.
I expected it to be a music blog, actually. That would have made sense. Instead it's... like this. Another one of those funny things. Reading the deep parts of someone close's heart and feeling awkward and tender and vulnerable just from reading.
What a relief to see I'm... invisible in that horizon. Yes. A real relief. How can I claim hurt when this is the contract I signed? There has been no lies. Ever. And it's true, if there is a tiny spot of pain, it's nothing like the wringing wretched poison that racked me for most of the year, from the lies and the falsity.
You have always been upfront with me, my friend, and you have retaught me what gratitude feels like. I do not begrudge you your romances.
22.12.08
The MSN Rant
I hate MSN Messenger. Oh, I love it too, but I hate it. There is something about it that taps directly into the darkest, most insecure, needy and stupid areas of my cluttered brain. How does this happen? Having a normal conversation and then... the spaces, the times between replies, the number of ellipses and 'smileys'--I start trying to interpret these the way one uses nonverbal cues in normal face to face conversation. Cue the crazy. Suddenly I find myself delving into the sort of philosophical / psychological analysis one should only resort to at 2 am after mass consumption of inebriants. And then I scramble to fix it, with my utter stupid honesty, and try to explain, which only... yes... digs it all deeper.
Final result: I am a crazy, schizophrenic, clingy, nightmare possibly stalker woman, onscreen anyway, and whoever I was talking to will no longer speak to me. Really, it's a super effective way to circumvent ever having to deal with any 'relationship' issues, since no relationship will ever develop in this acidic environment.
All those things in minute quantities are part of my personality--I defy anyone to say that they have NO insecurities (give me a waterproof definition of the line between infatuated and needy). MSN just magnifies them until they are the sum total instead of the healthy 10% or so they should be. The medium is the message, the medium tailors the message, the medium eats my brain.
I put this out there as a warning to those who want to 'get to know me' online, and as an apology to those I've alienated hopelessly. I'm certain there is no way to sweep out all the bad mojo introduced by my ridiculous MSNing, but I apologize, and then shrug, because there's really nothing else I can do at this point.
Final result: I am a crazy, schizophrenic, clingy, nightmare possibly stalker woman, onscreen anyway, and whoever I was talking to will no longer speak to me. Really, it's a super effective way to circumvent ever having to deal with any 'relationship' issues, since no relationship will ever develop in this acidic environment.
All those things in minute quantities are part of my personality--I defy anyone to say that they have NO insecurities (give me a waterproof definition of the line between infatuated and needy). MSN just magnifies them until they are the sum total instead of the healthy 10% or so they should be. The medium is the message, the medium tailors the message, the medium eats my brain.
I put this out there as a warning to those who want to 'get to know me' online, and as an apology to those I've alienated hopelessly. I'm certain there is no way to sweep out all the bad mojo introduced by my ridiculous MSNing, but I apologize, and then shrug, because there's really nothing else I can do at this point.
19.12.08
if I was on a sailboat it would be easier.
I hate being alone. Someone please recommend some books or movies that will inspire me to embrace solitude.
Maybe I should find mother teresa's biography.
Maybe I should find mother teresa's biography.
What matter I? passing through leaving not a ripple, untouching and untouched, only an expendable bubble destined to burst on the far horizon and be gone.
17.12.08
How to Unpack
It's scary, that suitcase. It has sat there, in the corner, since I moved in here. It's stuffed to the gills. I'm pretty sure if I touch the latch, it will explode and incapacitate me. Stuff, everywhere. Ugly things. Things I've forgotten about. Things I might miss if I remember they exist. Stuff that'll probably make me cry.
But I've been missing this really important thing, and I'm horribly afraid it's packed way at the bottom of all that. Is it worth it? I might even need help, professional help, pulling all the stuff out of that bag. Maybe they can explain why I packed it in the first place.
What if I open it and that ugly stuff stays here? What if I just can't bring myself to get rid of it? What if I don't have the strength to let go?
But then, it's not like the stuff in the suitcase isn't already affecting me. I mean, sure it's packed but... just thinking about it is making me cry. So where did I put the stupid key to that suitcase?
But I've been missing this really important thing, and I'm horribly afraid it's packed way at the bottom of all that. Is it worth it? I might even need help, professional help, pulling all the stuff out of that bag. Maybe they can explain why I packed it in the first place.
What if I open it and that ugly stuff stays here? What if I just can't bring myself to get rid of it? What if I don't have the strength to let go?
But then, it's not like the stuff in the suitcase isn't already affecting me. I mean, sure it's packed but... just thinking about it is making me cry. So where did I put the stupid key to that suitcase?
3.12.08
ahem
9.10.08
tents
Too tense=
Intense =
Past tense.
also, is Christina fucking Aguilera ACTUALLY singing a song from Porgy and Bess... on the Grammy nomination ceremonies? when did the world go crazy!
It is absolutely stupid to assume that if you don't speak to someone for two days, or three, or even five or six, that it means they have forgotten you exist. It does not mean you will never see them again. See, the problem is that lack of trust thing again, and that was then, in different circumstances, with different players. And the problem is, you forget what life was like without instant access to people all the time, everywhere. So relAX. Take a deep breath. Take each minute as it comes. Serenity Now.
tents
Too tense=
Intense =
Past tense.
also, is Christina fucking Aguilera ACTUALLY singing a song from Porgy and Bess... on the Grammy nomination ceremonies? when did the world go crazy!
It is absolutely stupid to assume that if you don't speak to someone for two days, or three, or even five or six, that it means they have forgotten you exist. It does not mean you will never see them again. See, the problem is that lack of trust thing again, and that was then, in different circumstances, with different players. And the problem is, you forget what life was like without instant access to people all the time, everywhere. So relAX. Take a deep breath. Take each minute as it comes. Serenity Now.
22.11.08
Processing
Reviewing all the last few posts, it seems I have found a will to be merry. Growth, like rust, never sleeps, never stops, it creeps up on you quietly, so that it seems like you've been in a dark forest forever, and suddenly a step takes you out to a broad, flat, sunny meadow.
What star did I wish on to bring me here? It does seem more like the gods smiling than something as mundane as time healing all.
The next lessons are shaping up... life cannot be lived by afterschool special plots. Sometimes there is a middle way between the archetypes, and sometimes it is the best. What's important is balance, and self-honesty, and open, sharp awareness of the soft corners of feelings of those around you.
But I'm still giving myself space to be a-twitter with the potential of something new, and if it doesn't grow beyond this moment, it is still lovely, and precious, and deserves celebration.
Confetti, damn it, cue the confetti.
What star did I wish on to bring me here? It does seem more like the gods smiling than something as mundane as time healing all.
The next lessons are shaping up... life cannot be lived by afterschool special plots. Sometimes there is a middle way between the archetypes, and sometimes it is the best. What's important is balance, and self-honesty, and open, sharp awareness of the soft corners of feelings of those around you.
But I'm still giving myself space to be a-twitter with the potential of something new, and if it doesn't grow beyond this moment, it is still lovely, and precious, and deserves celebration.
Confetti, damn it, cue the confetti.
20.10.08
18.10.08
Maybe it's ok
A small bird made a start
A few flaps toward the sky and then
Fluttering, fell
Rested, panting, watching
Other small birds fly by,
Carefree
The bird's heart longed for
the free wide sky, and so
she made another try
Flew a little farther this time
Before plunging groundward again
On the ground, afraid and still
Fighting thousands of years of instinct to
Climb higher and try again.
She probably will, but maybe
For now it's ok to just sit, and
stay and let
the sky go by.
A few flaps toward the sky and then
Fluttering, fell
Rested, panting, watching
Other small birds fly by,
Carefree
The bird's heart longed for
the free wide sky, and so
she made another try
Flew a little farther this time
Before plunging groundward again
On the ground, afraid and still
Fighting thousands of years of instinct to
Climb higher and try again.
She probably will, but maybe
For now it's ok to just sit, and
stay and let
the sky go by.
16.10.08
Please please
Don't let me make mistakes I can't handle.
Don't let me disrupt the lives of others nor have mine disrupted except for good reason.
Let this be enough.
Let me learn wisdom.
Help me swim.
Help me focus on real priorities.
Give me insight into the thoughts of others, or make me stop caring.
Wake me up.
Don't let me disrupt the lives of others nor have mine disrupted except for good reason.
Let this be enough.
Let me learn wisdom.
Help me swim.
Help me focus on real priorities.
Give me insight into the thoughts of others, or make me stop caring.
Wake me up.
14.10.08
Today I wish...
...I was still in junior high, because I could use a good girls' bathroom debriefing. I hate having to rely only on my own senses and instincts. They are not foolproof, for sure... and I miss strength in numbers.
Vote day today... et puis, le deluge... although I hope to fuck not. ABC!!
Pssst. I am really digging this. What now?
Vote day today... et puis, le deluge... although I hope to fuck not. ABC!!
Pssst. I am really digging this. What now?
12.10.08
What if
What if you learned to manage expectations? What if you plunged through the business-speak facade of that phrase and really fathomed how to live in the moment, and deal with reality?
What if you learned how to stop analyzing and just lived outside your head?
What if you met a whole bunch of people at once that you had read about for a long time and discovered they all met or exceeded your expectations? Kind of like the cast of Vanity Fair fleshed out, welcoming you for port?
What if you were on a cliff, ready to fall and hoping to fly, but instead... instead you found a slow, rocky, hard path down, and it turned out to be the way you were supposed to go all along?
What if there were any number of right answers out there, and you stopped asking the universe for signs and learned to spot them yourself?
What if they remade Nancy Drew and actually did a good job, in the Smallville vein? W00t.
What if you learned how to stop analyzing and just lived outside your head?
What if you met a whole bunch of people at once that you had read about for a long time and discovered they all met or exceeded your expectations? Kind of like the cast of Vanity Fair fleshed out, welcoming you for port?
What if you were on a cliff, ready to fall and hoping to fly, but instead... instead you found a slow, rocky, hard path down, and it turned out to be the way you were supposed to go all along?
What if there were any number of right answers out there, and you stopped asking the universe for signs and learned to spot them yourself?
What if they remade Nancy Drew and actually did a good job, in the Smallville vein? W00t.
9.10.08
tents
Too tense=
Intense =
Past tense.
story of my life. When did maintaining equilibrium become such a challenge? When did I forget how to be laid back? Seems to be sometime during the five years when I abdicated my desires, my needs and my self trying to make someone else healthy and happy. That worked out well.
So why am I still looking for the next deep pool to dive into? Why am I so scared to just be?
Intense =
Past tense.
story of my life. When did maintaining equilibrium become such a challenge? When did I forget how to be laid back? Seems to be sometime during the five years when I abdicated my desires, my needs and my self trying to make someone else healthy and happy. That worked out well.
So why am I still looking for the next deep pool to dive into? Why am I so scared to just be?
30.9.08
reconsidering
Sometimes I look back on past posts and think... I really oughta delete that! But you know, that is how I was feeling / thinking then, and I can't totally invalidate that. We can't always edit and refine who we are. People are messy. Shit happens.
However, dear silent and invisible Internet gods, please be assured that I love who I am. I am happy, fundamentally, and in something approaching equilibrium. I am discovering how specific I have to be with what I ask for, and how many friends I have, and how many are out there waiting to be discovered.
Still might be nicer with some action, but... I'm working on that too.
However, dear silent and invisible Internet gods, please be assured that I love who I am. I am happy, fundamentally, and in something approaching equilibrium. I am discovering how specific I have to be with what I ask for, and how many friends I have, and how many are out there waiting to be discovered.
Still might be nicer with some action, but... I'm working on that too.
29.9.08
How Novel
Really thinking about Nanowrimo this year. But to get there I'd better spend some of October warming up the writing muscles. Which means more time spent blogging, thinking--and less drinking! :) Fun as that is.
Whirling down a vortex I've
Been here before does
My blood betray me does
My weakness smash itself into
That tungsten again and again, losing tiny feathers
Each time?
All I want is genius
All I want is that shiny
Gold cup and all that it
Reflects.
I refuse to talk about anything else going on in my life right now because I'm going to start forcing myself to focus. It has nothing to do with fear of failure. Rejection slips come in many forms and they are essential to one's growth as a writer. Perhaps I've paid enough rejection dues this year and distilling my worth to words will reap big rewards.
Whirling down a vortex I've
Been here before does
My blood betray me does
My weakness smash itself into
That tungsten again and again, losing tiny feathers
Each time?
All I want is genius
All I want is that shiny
Gold cup and all that it
Reflects.
I refuse to talk about anything else going on in my life right now because I'm going to start forcing myself to focus. It has nothing to do with fear of failure. Rejection slips come in many forms and they are essential to one's growth as a writer. Perhaps I've paid enough rejection dues this year and distilling my worth to words will reap big rewards.
16.9.08
Ovulating much?
Too much going on in my head,
Not enough going on in my bed
This couplet came to me while I was walking down Robie today, on my way back from a Dr.’s appt. For a brief moment I contemplated the possible expression on Dr. C’s face if I had been fully honest… “me? I’m ok… be a lot better if I got laid…” Snort. As much fun as that would have been, it’s better not to go there with a doc too close to one’s own age. Awkward.
It’s unseemly, as a woman, to want sex as much as I do right now. Especially with a rather wholesome crush at work, and not much opportunity on the horizon. Internet crushes and sex toys only get you so far though. Sigh. I need a new hobby.
I’m trying to remember who visits my blog… no one who doesn't know or guess this about me, I’m sure. Still, better make sure this one doesn’t post through to fb. That could lead to all kinds of bad.
That couplet should be in a song. In fact, it probably is.
Not enough going on in my bed
This couplet came to me while I was walking down Robie today, on my way back from a Dr.’s appt. For a brief moment I contemplated the possible expression on Dr. C’s face if I had been fully honest… “me? I’m ok… be a lot better if I got laid…” Snort. As much fun as that would have been, it’s better not to go there with a doc too close to one’s own age. Awkward.
It’s unseemly, as a woman, to want sex as much as I do right now. Especially with a rather wholesome crush at work, and not much opportunity on the horizon. Internet crushes and sex toys only get you so far though. Sigh. I need a new hobby.
I’m trying to remember who visits my blog… no one who doesn't know or guess this about me, I’m sure. Still, better make sure this one doesn’t post through to fb. That could lead to all kinds of bad.
That couplet should be in a song. In fact, it probably is.
14.9.08
waffles
I am a weathervane
the tornado is all around
i want ecstasy
i want water
i want chances and strong shoulders.
I know I am not wrong but
I sometimes wonder if I'm right.
My head spins my
eyes ring
my focus is gone
Imaginary friends I gave up at four ask
me to come back for more time, more chances
more water under the rainbow bridges.
Gloria Steinem whispers in my ear and something
that is not my DNA won't listen, because it
wants to listen to the whisper of your thighs on the
hot car seat.
I am a weathervane I
need wind
I need water I
need ecstasy
frenzy
joy.
the tornado is all around
i want ecstasy
i want water
i want chances and strong shoulders.
I know I am not wrong but
I sometimes wonder if I'm right.
My head spins my
eyes ring
my focus is gone
Imaginary friends I gave up at four ask
me to come back for more time, more chances
more water under the rainbow bridges.
Gloria Steinem whispers in my ear and something
that is not my DNA won't listen, because it
wants to listen to the whisper of your thighs on the
hot car seat.
I am a weathervane I
need wind
I need water I
need ecstasy
frenzy
joy.
8.9.08
Eureka!
A breakthrough. These last few months have been a long walk in the desert, and now I am standing in the cool rain. Finally, a real crush. This is monumental. I feel like I'm sparkling all over. Is he interested? Who cares?? I am, and that is the point. Finally, finally... out of the dark tunnel and into the sun.
A reason to get dressed up. A reason to try again.
Sigh. I love men.
A reason to get dressed up. A reason to try again.
Sigh. I love men.
5.9.08
I never do these things, but this one looked... long.
Rule #1:
If you open this you take it.
Rule # 2:
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks
Rule #3:
Only answer True or False
Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? true
Q: Been arrested? false
Q: Kissed someone you didn't like? true
Q: Do you like someone now? meh
Q: Held a snake? true
Q: Been suspended from school? false
Q: Been fired from a job? true
Q: Sang karaoke? false
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? daily. I mean true.
Q: Laughed until you started crying? true
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? annually. I mean, true.
Q: Kissed in the rain? true
Q: Sang in the shower? true
Q: Sat on a roof top? true
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? true
Q: Broken a bone? false
Q: Shaved your head? true. parts.
Q: Played a prank on someone? true
Q: Shot a gun? false
Q: Donated Blood? true
Q: Had your heart broken? true
"Who was your last?"
just be 100% truthful
LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? Natalie
2. You texted? Russ (tried!)
3. You were in a car with? Nat and Dave
4. Went to the movies with? Jenny and Heather
5. You went to the shops with? Maddie
6. You talked on the phone? Julian
7. Made you laugh? Tommy
8. You hugged? Natalie
9. You cried with? just me.
WOULD YOU RATHER
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Nose! Now please!
2. Die in a fire or get shot? Get shot.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Fall? fall
3. Left or Right? Left
4. Sunny or rainy? lightly rainy?
5. Where do u live? West End hali
6. club or pub? sandwich? fine, pub.
7. Are there 1 or 2 ppl who u can always trust and rely on? yes
8. Do you want to get married? yes. (again) someday.
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? why isn't "wear all over you when you eat it" an option?
10. What time is it? 9:46
11. Are u afraid of commitment? commitment? no. Getting hurt? Yes.
12. Are you gonna have a birthday party? in about a year or so.
13. Do You cook? sometimes
14. Current mood? restless.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone? nope
2. Sang? yes, moments ago
3. Listened to music? yes
4. Seen someone you care a lot about? no
5. Danced Crazy? toujours
6. Cried? nope
7. Thought about someone you can't have? yes
Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Yep
How do you flush the toilet in public?
why is there a "how" in this question??
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Always
Do you have a crush on someone?
always, except the last five years. Currently two. Maybe three.
Name one thing you worry about running out of?
money (and that day is approaching speedily)
What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
No one. Roseanne? I'm kidding. Stop fucking nodding, I'm kidding.
What is your favorite pizza topping?
pineapple or bacon
Do you crack your knuckles?
ow fuck no.
What song do you hate the most?
bob dylan's beard? that's a joke. cat's in the cradle maybe, or that obnoxious Billy Ocean "get in my car bitch" song.
Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
I'm resisting.... reeee ssssiiiiissssting ... sesamestreetthemesesamestreetthemesesamestreettheme.....!!!
What are your super powers?
Instantly spotting typos, spelling errors and grammar mistakes in documents. That's one. The ability to work up a crush based on next to nothing. That's another one. On the whole, the first one gets me farther.
Peppermint or spearmint?
spearmint> I'm all about the green
Where are your car keys?
snort. Car. As if. See previous answer about green.
Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
hmmm... it's always the people I don't think of immediately who give the best answers....
What's your most annoying habit?
Biting my nails and imposing stupid limits on myself.
Where did you last go on vacation?
out on a boat with 9 other people for a 4 day sea school voyage. Does that count? If not, Newfoundland with Maddie.
What is your best physical feature?
my sexy new haircut. I guess my eyes too. And my breasts.
What CD is closest to you right now?
Feist: Let it Die (you mean closest like physical proximity, yeah?)
What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
lettuce going bad, cheese, and milk for the coffee
What superstition do you believe/practice?
I'm discovering that I put wayyyy more credence in astrology than I previously thought.
What color are your bed sheets?
I sleep on a futon. I don't need no steenking sheets.
Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
fish
Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
nope. when I ride the bus I do sometimes though, but even that is obnoxious.
What are your favorite sayings?
'you motherless cunt'... no, I'm kidding. I dunno. I guess that's one, "I dunno". "That's super."
What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton. Shhhh, that's our little secret, kay?
If you could go back or forward in time, where would you go?
forward to where I could go into space feasibly!!
What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
toooooo many to choooooose frommmm!! I guess probably the Empire Strikes Back.
What CD is in your stereo?
John Wesley Chisholm and co's tribute to Stephen Foster. Hm, I think I'm gonna turn that on.
What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?
after this, probably T. Messick, Grain Sales of 1840. I love that album too. I love all my albums, ackshully. That's why I have em.
How many kids do you plan on having?
No more than the one I have (I hope!)
If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
But that would be telling! Wait, I'll make you cry.... my mom again, one more time. Crap, I'm making myself cry.
What do you do when no one is watching?
talk to myself. cry. dance. mock people.
If they made a movie about your life?
I'd like to reserve Janeane Garofalo now pls. And personally direct the pornographic parts.
Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Can't I have glory AND sleep?
Coffee or Tea?
COFFEEEEE. Now.
Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Leonard Cohen, hands down. Slowcoaster are always a good show, and Wilco rocked.
Have you ever been in love?
Yes. Best, worst, most wonderful horrible thing there is.
Do you talk to yourself?
YES. Ask my officemates. Wayne thinks I'm loco.
1. What do you obsess about?
love
2. What do you do for a living?
communications / development
3. Where do you call home?
wherever my stuff is (thank you george carlin)
4. Have you lived up to your parents' expectations?
I don't know. I think so, except for the failed relationships parts. I can hear my mother now... "I lived with your father for more than forty years while he was drinking, running around and being an asshole, because I loved him.... what's your problem?"
5. Are we more likely to find you in a coffee bar or a nightclub?
Are we talking about pre-5 pm or post 5-pm?
1. If you were a nocturnal animal, what nocturnal animal would you be?
mouse! (I'd love to run up walls backwards)... hm ... or maybe owl since owl eats mouse and is wise.
2. Which is better: to obey the law to avoid punishment, to obey the law because the law makes sense, or to obey the law because everyone should?
the second one. Laws that make no sense don't deserve to be obeyed. THERE IS A HIGHER LAW. Common sense.
3. Who is your favorite all time movie villian?
tie=Snape (is he really a villain, or just misunderstood?) or the prince in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Both played by Alan Rickman... NOT a coincidence.
4. Are any kind of ethics involved in wearing a hat?
is it a turban or yarmulke? If so, then yes. Probably ethics in mountie hats, cop hats, and cowboy hats too. Hell yes, heaps of ethics.
5. When is the best time for you to take a 20 minute nap?
At 2:30 pm, unless poorhaus is obligingly playing a loud drum solo, thereby preventing my needing a nap.
If you open this you take it.
Rule # 2:
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks
Rule #3:
Only answer True or False
Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? true
Q: Been arrested? false
Q: Kissed someone you didn't like? true
Q: Do you like someone now? meh
Q: Held a snake? true
Q: Been suspended from school? false
Q: Been fired from a job? true
Q: Sang karaoke? false
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? daily. I mean true.
Q: Laughed until you started crying? true
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? annually. I mean, true.
Q: Kissed in the rain? true
Q: Sang in the shower? true
Q: Sat on a roof top? true
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? true
Q: Broken a bone? false
Q: Shaved your head? true. parts.
Q: Played a prank on someone? true
Q: Shot a gun? false
Q: Donated Blood? true
Q: Had your heart broken? true
"Who was your last?"
just be 100% truthful
LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? Natalie
2. You texted? Russ (tried!)
3. You were in a car with? Nat and Dave
4. Went to the movies with? Jenny and Heather
5. You went to the shops with? Maddie
6. You talked on the phone? Julian
7. Made you laugh? Tommy
8. You hugged? Natalie
9. You cried with? just me.
WOULD YOU RATHER
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Nose! Now please!
2. Die in a fire or get shot? Get shot.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Fall? fall
3. Left or Right? Left
4. Sunny or rainy? lightly rainy?
5. Where do u live? West End hali
6. club or pub? sandwich? fine, pub.
7. Are there 1 or 2 ppl who u can always trust and rely on? yes
8. Do you want to get married? yes. (again) someday.
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? why isn't "wear all over you when you eat it" an option?
10. What time is it? 9:46
11. Are u afraid of commitment? commitment? no. Getting hurt? Yes.
12. Are you gonna have a birthday party? in about a year or so.
13. Do You cook? sometimes
14. Current mood? restless.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone? nope
2. Sang? yes, moments ago
3. Listened to music? yes
4. Seen someone you care a lot about? no
5. Danced Crazy? toujours
6. Cried? nope
7. Thought about someone you can't have? yes
Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Yep
How do you flush the toilet in public?
why is there a "how" in this question??
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Always
Do you have a crush on someone?
always, except the last five years. Currently two. Maybe three.
Name one thing you worry about running out of?
money (and that day is approaching speedily)
What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
No one. Roseanne? I'm kidding. Stop fucking nodding, I'm kidding.
What is your favorite pizza topping?
pineapple or bacon
Do you crack your knuckles?
ow fuck no.
What song do you hate the most?
bob dylan's beard? that's a joke. cat's in the cradle maybe, or that obnoxious Billy Ocean "get in my car bitch" song.
Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
I'm resisting.... reeee ssssiiiiissssting ... sesamestreetthemesesamestreetthemesesamestreettheme.....!!!
What are your super powers?
Instantly spotting typos, spelling errors and grammar mistakes in documents. That's one. The ability to work up a crush based on next to nothing. That's another one. On the whole, the first one gets me farther.
Peppermint or spearmint?
spearmint> I'm all about the green
Where are your car keys?
snort. Car. As if. See previous answer about green.
Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
hmmm... it's always the people I don't think of immediately who give the best answers....
What's your most annoying habit?
Biting my nails and imposing stupid limits on myself.
Where did you last go on vacation?
out on a boat with 9 other people for a 4 day sea school voyage. Does that count? If not, Newfoundland with Maddie.
What is your best physical feature?
my sexy new haircut. I guess my eyes too. And my breasts.
What CD is closest to you right now?
Feist: Let it Die (you mean closest like physical proximity, yeah?)
What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
lettuce going bad, cheese, and milk for the coffee
What superstition do you believe/practice?
I'm discovering that I put wayyyy more credence in astrology than I previously thought.
What color are your bed sheets?
I sleep on a futon. I don't need no steenking sheets.
Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
fish
Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
nope. when I ride the bus I do sometimes though, but even that is obnoxious.
What are your favorite sayings?
'you motherless cunt'... no, I'm kidding. I dunno. I guess that's one, "I dunno". "That's super."
What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton. Shhhh, that's our little secret, kay?
If you could go back or forward in time, where would you go?
forward to where I could go into space feasibly!!
What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
toooooo many to choooooose frommmm!! I guess probably the Empire Strikes Back.
What CD is in your stereo?
John Wesley Chisholm and co's tribute to Stephen Foster. Hm, I think I'm gonna turn that on.
What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?
after this, probably T. Messick, Grain Sales of 1840. I love that album too. I love all my albums, ackshully. That's why I have em.
How many kids do you plan on having?
No more than the one I have (I hope!)
If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
But that would be telling! Wait, I'll make you cry.... my mom again, one more time. Crap, I'm making myself cry.
What do you do when no one is watching?
talk to myself. cry. dance. mock people.
If they made a movie about your life?
I'd like to reserve Janeane Garofalo now pls. And personally direct the pornographic parts.
Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Can't I have glory AND sleep?
Coffee or Tea?
COFFEEEEE. Now.
Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Leonard Cohen, hands down. Slowcoaster are always a good show, and Wilco rocked.
Have you ever been in love?
Yes. Best, worst, most wonderful horrible thing there is.
Do you talk to yourself?
YES. Ask my officemates. Wayne thinks I'm loco.
1. What do you obsess about?
love
2. What do you do for a living?
communications / development
3. Where do you call home?
wherever my stuff is (thank you george carlin)
4. Have you lived up to your parents' expectations?
I don't know. I think so, except for the failed relationships parts. I can hear my mother now... "I lived with your father for more than forty years while he was drinking, running around and being an asshole, because I loved him.... what's your problem?"
5. Are we more likely to find you in a coffee bar or a nightclub?
Are we talking about pre-5 pm or post 5-pm?
1. If you were a nocturnal animal, what nocturnal animal would you be?
mouse! (I'd love to run up walls backwards)... hm ... or maybe owl since owl eats mouse and is wise.
2. Which is better: to obey the law to avoid punishment, to obey the law because the law makes sense, or to obey the law because everyone should?
the second one. Laws that make no sense don't deserve to be obeyed. THERE IS A HIGHER LAW. Common sense.
3. Who is your favorite all time movie villian?
tie=Snape (is he really a villain, or just misunderstood?) or the prince in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Both played by Alan Rickman... NOT a coincidence.
4. Are any kind of ethics involved in wearing a hat?
is it a turban or yarmulke? If so, then yes. Probably ethics in mountie hats, cop hats, and cowboy hats too. Hell yes, heaps of ethics.
5. When is the best time for you to take a 20 minute nap?
At 2:30 pm, unless poorhaus is obligingly playing a loud drum solo, thereby preventing my needing a nap.
26.8.08
And I ran
But not 'so far away'. In fact, I ran about a third of the distance to work. YEAH. Expanded lung capacity makes me giddy.
Bummer fact: Upon arriving at work I discovered that the fridge had been left open all night, meaning the groceries I had planned for my lunch were ruint. Clean ruint. Srsly... suckage.
Expensive smoked chops ... two of them... wasted. Argh.
Anyhoo, I'm sweaty right now and need to cool off some before dressing.
Bummer fact: Upon arriving at work I discovered that the fridge had been left open all night, meaning the groceries I had planned for my lunch were ruint. Clean ruint. Srsly... suckage.
Expensive smoked chops ... two of them... wasted. Argh.
Anyhoo, I'm sweaty right now and need to cool off some before dressing.
24.8.08
dodgeball my ass
No matter how much I am working on being fine and loving who I am, etc, I am really going to have to face that I will not be happy for serious until I get back into shape. And where do I pull the will for that from? Gonna have to suck it up (sorry Charlotte, I forgot to make the point on the boat that I almost exclusively use that phrase when talking to myself. It is very rare that I use it on others.)
It's hard to accept that perhaps the only time in my life that a man has called me beautiful, spontaneously, was that once at age 17 -- and that might remain the only time. I have had a mostly good day, but I can see self-pity hanging around the lawn, peering in the windows. Better light a fire and lock the door.
It's hard to accept that perhaps the only time in my life that a man has called me beautiful, spontaneously, was that once at age 17 -- and that might remain the only time. I have had a mostly good day, but I can see self-pity hanging around the lawn, peering in the windows. Better light a fire and lock the door.
20.8.08
three men, no luck
The irony does not escape me as I juggle three MSN convos... one a gay friend, one taken, one distant friend miserable about his ex. I'm even watching Will & Grace.
Oh, I'm gonna be single forever. At least I'm finding lots to do with my time! Would I give up sex for sailing?... at least in the short term, sure. And I'm writing more (thank you for the push, Mr. Mason.) And if Nat has her way, I'll be in better shape again soon.
I have to get that damn bike on the road THIS WEEK. Srsly. Also, I have to put my laundry away right now, and stop putting it off. How on earth did it get to be 10:45?
So, just to remind myself, I still have the surfing lesson to do this year. Next year: Painting more, maybe bellydance again, or african dance, and horseback riding. Maybe learning to drive a standard too. I'd like to work on my French and learn Spanish too. And maybe German, for all those fun crazy long guttural words. So much to do.
Next year I'd love to find someone to housesit for for a year or even six months... and save some $$ to get this damn debt paid down! Barring that, I will search for a roommate.
Oh, I'm gonna be single forever. At least I'm finding lots to do with my time! Would I give up sex for sailing?... at least in the short term, sure. And I'm writing more (thank you for the push, Mr. Mason.) And if Nat has her way, I'll be in better shape again soon.
I have to get that damn bike on the road THIS WEEK. Srsly. Also, I have to put my laundry away right now, and stop putting it off. How on earth did it get to be 10:45?
So, just to remind myself, I still have the surfing lesson to do this year. Next year: Painting more, maybe bellydance again, or african dance, and horseback riding. Maybe learning to drive a standard too. I'd like to work on my French and learn Spanish too. And maybe German, for all those fun crazy long guttural words. So much to do.
Next year I'd love to find someone to housesit for for a year or even six months... and save some $$ to get this damn debt paid down! Barring that, I will search for a roommate.
19.8.08
THAT's a relief
http://www.blogthings.com/doyouneedamanquiz/outcome.php
Blogthings assures me that I don't NEED a man, I just want one. However, it was not forthcoming with any leads.
It was accurate in that I'd rather be alone than with someone 'right'. Cultivate patience, grasshopper.
Blogthings assures me that I don't NEED a man, I just want one. However, it was not forthcoming with any leads.
It was accurate in that I'd rather be alone than with someone 'right'. Cultivate patience, grasshopper.
Thank you anonymous
Thank you for reminding me that when things are bad I come on here and cry like the sodding dormouse, but when things are going well, I am gone, baby, gone.
So, good things:
Maddie is away for another week and then back with me for a full week. I miss the little punk. We have back-to-school shopping to get to!
I have been spending too much money. Obscenely too much money. Time to reign in for the fall budget!
I am online WAYYY too much, between the facebook and locals addictions and have just complicated things by asking to be an admin on an HRM politics site. The latter has promise of being fun though, so I'm kind of looking forward to it. :) But I need to learn WordPress way better.
Going to miss Wilco and Neil Young due to budget constraints, but having seen each individually, I'm kind of ok with that.
Surfing lesson is still on the to-dos! Jen Ford wants to do one too so I may have a pop-up buddy. :)
I think I'll put horseback riding on the list for next year. And wilderness or winter camping. Solo.
So, good things:
- Sailing--took a four day course to learn sailing and engage in some PD. The whole experience was phenomenal in every day, not least of which was reminding me how to inhabit my physical self again and get out of my mind.
- Mama Mia--reminding me of the crucial importance of girlfriends and musicals and silliness. And Abba. Abba is essential.
- Social life--sure, there's not much by way of man-contact (sigh)... YET... but I am getting out and doing things and meeting people and learning and remembering that once upon a time I was a super happy peppy extrovert. I've seen glimpses of her around here lately. She may be back yet.
- Work--I am pathetically humbly grateful for this fantastic job at the coolest place to work in Nova Scotia, if not Canada. And they pay me too! Amazing.
Maddie is away for another week and then back with me for a full week. I miss the little punk. We have back-to-school shopping to get to!
I have been spending too much money. Obscenely too much money. Time to reign in for the fall budget!
I am online WAYYY too much, between the facebook and locals addictions and have just complicated things by asking to be an admin on an HRM politics site. The latter has promise of being fun though, so I'm kind of looking forward to it. :) But I need to learn WordPress way better.
Going to miss Wilco and Neil Young due to budget constraints, but having seen each individually, I'm kind of ok with that.
Surfing lesson is still on the to-dos! Jen Ford wants to do one too so I may have a pop-up buddy. :)
I think I'll put horseback riding on the list for next year. And wilderness or winter camping. Solo.
28.7.08
Less feminism than a subtle whine
Sexy men of tv, music and movies (not all according to me) that land outside the "18-30 ken doll" mold:
David Duchovny
Hugh Laurie
Leslie Neilsen
Willem Dafoe
John Hurt
Morgan Freeman
Tracy Adkins
Harrison Ford
Robert Downey Junior
Paul Newman
Robert Redford
Richard Gere
Daniel Craig
Mike Myers (yes really)
Leonard Cohen
Kevin Spacey
Xavier Bardem
That french guy
Waye Mason :-)
Several other locals who shall heretofor remain nameless
William Petersen
Mick Jagger
Justin Hayward
I know I'm going to be adding to this list.
Women.... (fill in the blanks for yourself here, I'm not into chicks... betcha don't come up with that many though).
27.7.08
if it's meant to be, it will be
It's funny how old mottos keep resurfacing as I excavate through the layers of detritus that the last relationship left on the essential 'me'. This is a good one (far better than, "there's only one person you can count on in this world and that's yourself" although that one has seen me through some rough times).
When confronted with too much stimuli and the absolute inability to fathom what, if anything, I should do to react to it all, I think the best policy is to toss it all to fate and go to the beach with Jenny. This practice has never failed to help me clear my mind. Erin may come too, which is just gravy.
Letting go of the illusion of control is so hard, and yet... so necessary!
I need girl time. I also need to dig out my sarong.
Hm. Sarong.... and spinning thoughts.
[let it go]
Which reminds me of another old motto worth digging out... quit procrastinating and get on with the yoga, Boyce.
When confronted with too much stimuli and the absolute inability to fathom what, if anything, I should do to react to it all, I think the best policy is to toss it all to fate and go to the beach with Jenny. This practice has never failed to help me clear my mind. Erin may come too, which is just gravy.
Letting go of the illusion of control is so hard, and yet... so necessary!
I need girl time. I also need to dig out my sarong.
Hm. Sarong.... and spinning thoughts.
[let it go]
Which reminds me of another old motto worth digging out... quit procrastinating and get on with the yoga, Boyce.
3.7.08
dilbert2002443261018.gif
Coffee Blue
A friend in Ontario just tipped me off that the band he manages (is that right, Tom?) has released a new album and this is a song on it. The phrase conjures a vague image for me. I'm challenging myself to make that into a story this weekend.
1.7.08
holy attack of the crappies again batman.
I guess the blog missed the saga of the 8 hour wait at the airport coming home.
Oh well, yesterday's news now.
Today I had Maddie for Canada Day and was utterly unable to get us out the door before 2:30. So we got to the Commons for about an hour and a hal f but missed entirely the concert I wanted to go to... not surprising since maddie was whining about the whole idea (once she got through whining about having to get dressed to go out). So, she won. Yay loud screaming kids. Boo bands. Frickin awesome.
Which is the mood I've been in all day. I really wanted to shake her. I am filled with rage and depression and can't figure out where it's coming from today. I have been doing fairly well. I am lonely for company, adult company. I feel as if I must adjust myself to a life not focussed on any hope for love or desire but when I think about it I want to walk into the sea. People do this... they face life, and thrive, and work for charities, and learn things and have fun, even, apparently. I wish I knew what is wrong with me.
Just writing this I'm starting to cry. Not cool. Not a very good or stable example for Maddie. So I guess not only am I a bad girlfriend, an unwanted lover, and a sucky friend, I'm a bad mother too. I wish I had never been born.
Edit: why do I write these things and send them out into a public forum? A pathetic bid for pity I guess. A ceaseless seeking for a reason to hope. A pathological need to be understood.
Don't think I'll let this one post to facebook though.
Oh well, yesterday's news now.
Today I had Maddie for Canada Day and was utterly unable to get us out the door before 2:30. So we got to the Commons for about an hour and a hal f but missed entirely the concert I wanted to go to... not surprising since maddie was whining about the whole idea (once she got through whining about having to get dressed to go out). So, she won. Yay loud screaming kids. Boo bands. Frickin awesome.
Which is the mood I've been in all day. I really wanted to shake her. I am filled with rage and depression and can't figure out where it's coming from today. I have been doing fairly well. I am lonely for company, adult company. I feel as if I must adjust myself to a life not focussed on any hope for love or desire but when I think about it I want to walk into the sea. People do this... they face life, and thrive, and work for charities, and learn things and have fun, even, apparently. I wish I knew what is wrong with me.
Just writing this I'm starting to cry. Not cool. Not a very good or stable example for Maddie. So I guess not only am I a bad girlfriend, an unwanted lover, and a sucky friend, I'm a bad mother too. I wish I had never been born.
Edit: why do I write these things and send them out into a public forum? A pathetic bid for pity I guess. A ceaseless seeking for a reason to hope. A pathological need to be understood.
Don't think I'll let this one post to facebook though.
19.6.08
another sign of poor planning
No liquor store within walking distance of campus. What CAN they be thinking?
late Wednesday, early Thursday.
Went to The Rooms yesterday afternoon. The art was... meh. Mostly not my style. Don Wright's litho work was lovely, but his painting seemed too much a reaction to the litho... a spastic freedom. Just looked messy.
there was one piece that was phenomenal... the Sculpture Nun and the Two-Headed Dog. I wish I remembered the artists' name... it was a woman. It was haunting and very very cool.
The photo exhibit was interesting, but no more.
There was a ceramics exhibit that was lovely as well. Very ornate and quirky. "Orange dog jar" was my favourite.
We had supper on campus and went to the pool Wednesday evening for our last NL swim. Unfortunately, it was a junior high bus tour-full affair, with wall to wall creeping hormones and disaster everywhere. I wish I'd had a caber to swing.
Another reunion meeting last night till late.
This morning we've only had breakfast and then I was working on here. Maddie is bored and I am out of suggestions of things to do. We're putting in time till supper with Jeannie.
there was one piece that was phenomenal... the Sculpture Nun and the Two-Headed Dog. I wish I remembered the artists' name... it was a woman. It was haunting and very very cool.
The photo exhibit was interesting, but no more.
There was a ceramics exhibit that was lovely as well. Very ornate and quirky. "Orange dog jar" was my favourite.
We had supper on campus and went to the pool Wednesday evening for our last NL swim. Unfortunately, it was a junior high bus tour-full affair, with wall to wall creeping hormones and disaster everywhere. I wish I'd had a caber to swing.
Another reunion meeting last night till late.
This morning we've only had breakfast and then I was working on here. Maddie is bored and I am out of suggestions of things to do. We're putting in time till supper with Jeannie.
18.6.08
Wednesday morning
Ok, the Fluvarium was fantastic. For the sake of it, and the cute and friendly fella working at Mr. Sub, I can forgive a lot. However, this will be the last full-week vacation I take without a guarantee of some evening fun. Perhaps I am shallow, and I am certainly not the uber-Mom I wish I was, but I need some grown up fun to make my life complete.
17.6.08
it's official, I hate MUN
Ok, I know I'm only paying $50 a night, and that's a third what I'd pay at a decent hotel, but I swear, the amenities are far less than a third.
No TV
No pool
No change of bedclothes or garbages emptied
No free breakfast
Shared bathroom with dripping taps, ridiculous showers with crumbling walls and stalls so small that I must undo my pants before closing the door, and when seated, my knees touch the door. This is not even a slight exaggeration.
And as of tonight, it's official... there is not a stitch of amusement on campus. There is a mall-like food court that closes right after supper, but pub, games room, etc... all apparently shut down for the summer.
Add that to the construction that seems to be randomly tearing up all the sections of sidewalk that lead from the residence we're in to anywhere, and it's not worth $50 a night.
There is no composting on campus anywhere.
The staff at the conference office, with the exception of the two working when I arrived, along with the staff at the Tim Hortons, the pool staff and just about every other worker I've encountered on campus have bad attitudes (I've worked in service, I know that attitude... the customer isn't supposed to see it)
Oh, maybe all this is just my bad attitude, I know what you're thinking. I haven't given it a chance, and this vacation has been going wrong since before it started, and ANYWAY, it's not about me, it's about me and Maddie and she is happy just hanging around the dorm playing.
Which is the point. I could've rented a cabin at Caribou near Nancy for nearly this long and had a better vacation for cheaper.
And I would've had grown ups to talk to. Sigh.
No TV
No pool
No change of bedclothes or garbages emptied
No free breakfast
Shared bathroom with dripping taps, ridiculous showers with crumbling walls and stalls so small that I must undo my pants before closing the door, and when seated, my knees touch the door. This is not even a slight exaggeration.
And as of tonight, it's official... there is not a stitch of amusement on campus. There is a mall-like food court that closes right after supper, but pub, games room, etc... all apparently shut down for the summer.
Add that to the construction that seems to be randomly tearing up all the sections of sidewalk that lead from the residence we're in to anywhere, and it's not worth $50 a night.
There is no composting on campus anywhere.
The staff at the conference office, with the exception of the two working when I arrived, along with the staff at the Tim Hortons, the pool staff and just about every other worker I've encountered on campus have bad attitudes (I've worked in service, I know that attitude... the customer isn't supposed to see it)
Oh, maybe all this is just my bad attitude, I know what you're thinking. I haven't given it a chance, and this vacation has been going wrong since before it started, and ANYWAY, it's not about me, it's about me and Maddie and she is happy just hanging around the dorm playing.
Which is the point. I could've rented a cabin at Caribou near Nancy for nearly this long and had a better vacation for cheaper.
And I would've had grown ups to talk to. Sigh.
16.6.08
shopping day
It's Monday and the rain continues. A very helpful Local informed me that Newfoundland weather tends to go by an acronym, RDF, for rain, drizzle, fog. That certainly appears to be the interminable cycle. I don't know if this weather is mildewing my soul a bit or if I am simply incapable of enjoying a vacation right now, but the back part of my mind has been a bit down all day.
However, the front part has thoroughly enjoyed spending ridiculous amounts of credit today... oh, I shall be sorry for that. But today maddie and I strolled Duckworth, buying gifts, window shopping and having good food for a change. Fried bread dough is a revelation. My. That was at Zachary's, with breakfast, and on the recommendation of a few other helpful Locals, we lunched at the Bagel Cafe. Both places were WAY more chichi than expected. And the bathrooms at the Bagel Cafe are the sexiest bathrooms anywhere.
Met my oldest brother for supper... first time having grace at a meal at Montana's. True story. It was terrific to see him and Roberta. :)
However, the front part has thoroughly enjoyed spending ridiculous amounts of credit today... oh, I shall be sorry for that. But today maddie and I strolled Duckworth, buying gifts, window shopping and having good food for a change. Fried bread dough is a revelation. My. That was at Zachary's, with breakfast, and on the recommendation of a few other helpful Locals, we lunched at the Bagel Cafe. Both places were WAY more chichi than expected. And the bathrooms at the Bagel Cafe are the sexiest bathrooms anywhere.
Met my oldest brother for supper... first time having grace at a meal at Montana's. True story. It was terrific to see him and Roberta. :)
15.6.08
14.6.08
Day 2, Newfoundland
Travelling with one's daughter--who is 8--and no one else is a very different experience indeed, for both of us. At times I feel I may go out of my mind with her constant chatter, and yet, at other times, she makes me laugh and makes me proud and takes care of me in killingly funny ways that yet make me ruefully think if I weren't such a pathetic mother, she wouldn't need to do any such thing.
I've been reading much Emily these last few days, and the Montgomery is thick in my writing.
In fact, I likely wouldn't have pulled out the computer again to blog, risking waking the princess with my tippy-tappy typing, if I hadn't been reading. I am often compelled to journal, but I usually resist the muse, journalling in my mind instead. Why? A few instances of the wrong people finding the wrong bits of writing... the tendency to re-read after time has passed and writhe with annoyance and embarrassment at myself... more likely fear of dedicating myself to the craft and then finding I am a lousy writer, only at my best when echoing my heroes.
Out in the wild night, there is actual Saturdayness happening. Buddy Holly's "oh boy" was blasting moments ago... there are occasional shouts and laughter... someone is showering now down the hall. And I am in bed, having tried once already to sleep, now lashed here by single parenthood and kept from going wandering to find life and distraction.
Still, Maddie is a fun and upbeat pal to have along. As long as I remain mostly positive, or at least cue her so, she is relentlessly optimistic, although she is very difficult to entice out-of-doors once settled.
We found Georgetown Bakery today with the assistance of a most helpful bus driver and random passenger, and managed to catch the same bus driver on the return trip, as we were laden with bread and croissants. The driver even went to the trouble to root in his own pocket for change so I wouldn't pay $2 for a $1 paper, since they sell papers on their buses here (brilliance). He had a lovely lilting accent, Irish or Scottish, and was a delightful man. Looked like he should be in a CBC movie about an old fisherman who writes poetry or somesuch... an Alistair McLeod type.
We went to the pool this afternoon for a blissful (on Maddie's part) 1 3/4 hour public swim. As for me, there was a surfeit of rather obnoxious pre-pubescents, though whether the splashing and horsing boys were worst, or the flirty and precocious girls, is hard to say. Even some of the parents were... well... let me give you some examples: There was miss Tattooed white bikini who apparently was so shy she felt it necessary to clutch her breasts when she stood in the water. Perhaps then a white bikini was not the best choice, hm?? for an afternoon public swim with the kiddies?? And there was Miss Double EE cup (the rest of whose physique was rather my shape), whose ample bosomage was floating out of a ridiculously low-cut and too small bathing suit. The top halves of this impressive display reminded me of nothing so much as Jeannie's bagels boiling. To this floating array she clutched her baby with pride. Poor child will never need water wings as long as he sticks close to mama. The men were actually a bit better, seemingly more attuned to their children, not always in a good way, as the fellow playing 'shark' with his two kids who twice nearly flattened Maddie and did manage to thoroughly splash us, albeit in total ignorance.
This evening, we showered and then Maddie resistance to going out put the kaibosh on my plans to finally have a healthy meal. We ordered instead overpriced and overcooked pizza from a place delightfully called 'stoggers' and had that and coke (regular, not diet, despite my ordering diet and repeating it twice) ... bleah.... I am so full of bad food after two days here I feel I would like to live on rice and grapefruit for a good month. Tomorrow I must find groceries.
After food, we puttered around, read, made those hand-puppet style fortune tellers and told each others' fortunes ( I am destined to lose money, be rich and get an A on a test) and then in a brainstorm brought on by her pouting for TV, I introduced Maddie to YouTube and we rounded out the evening with an Alvin and the Chipmunks fest. She repeated "Bad Day" at least 12 times and choreographed quite an elaborate dance routine to it... was flushed with very rosy cheeks by bedtime.
Tomorrow we lunch with Heather's mom and then I think we are supposed to meet my friend Jeannie for supper. Visiting day. Maddie also wants to go swimming again. Yoi. I need Adavan to cope with that pool. I am certain the lifeguards must have some, maybe they'll share.
I've been reading much Emily these last few days, and the Montgomery is thick in my writing.
In fact, I likely wouldn't have pulled out the computer again to blog, risking waking the princess with my tippy-tappy typing, if I hadn't been reading. I am often compelled to journal, but I usually resist the muse, journalling in my mind instead. Why? A few instances of the wrong people finding the wrong bits of writing... the tendency to re-read after time has passed and writhe with annoyance and embarrassment at myself... more likely fear of dedicating myself to the craft and then finding I am a lousy writer, only at my best when echoing my heroes.
Out in the wild night, there is actual Saturdayness happening. Buddy Holly's "oh boy" was blasting moments ago... there are occasional shouts and laughter... someone is showering now down the hall. And I am in bed, having tried once already to sleep, now lashed here by single parenthood and kept from going wandering to find life and distraction.
Still, Maddie is a fun and upbeat pal to have along. As long as I remain mostly positive, or at least cue her so, she is relentlessly optimistic, although she is very difficult to entice out-of-doors once settled.
We found Georgetown Bakery today with the assistance of a most helpful bus driver and random passenger, and managed to catch the same bus driver on the return trip, as we were laden with bread and croissants. The driver even went to the trouble to root in his own pocket for change so I wouldn't pay $2 for a $1 paper, since they sell papers on their buses here (brilliance). He had a lovely lilting accent, Irish or Scottish, and was a delightful man. Looked like he should be in a CBC movie about an old fisherman who writes poetry or somesuch... an Alistair McLeod type.
We went to the pool this afternoon for a blissful (on Maddie's part) 1 3/4 hour public swim. As for me, there was a surfeit of rather obnoxious pre-pubescents, though whether the splashing and horsing boys were worst, or the flirty and precocious girls, is hard to say. Even some of the parents were... well... let me give you some examples: There was miss Tattooed white bikini who apparently was so shy she felt it necessary to clutch her breasts when she stood in the water. Perhaps then a white bikini was not the best choice, hm?? for an afternoon public swim with the kiddies?? And there was Miss Double EE cup (the rest of whose physique was rather my shape), whose ample bosomage was floating out of a ridiculously low-cut and too small bathing suit. The top halves of this impressive display reminded me of nothing so much as Jeannie's bagels boiling. To this floating array she clutched her baby with pride. Poor child will never need water wings as long as he sticks close to mama. The men were actually a bit better, seemingly more attuned to their children, not always in a good way, as the fellow playing 'shark' with his two kids who twice nearly flattened Maddie and did manage to thoroughly splash us, albeit in total ignorance.This evening, we showered and then Maddie resistance to going out put the kaibosh on my plans to finally have a healthy meal. We ordered instead overpriced and overcooked pizza from a place delightfully called 'stoggers' and had that and coke (regular, not diet, despite my ordering diet and repeating it twice) ... bleah.... I am so full of bad food after two days here I feel I would like to live on rice and grapefruit for a good month. Tomorrow I must find groceries.
After food, we puttered around, read, made those hand-puppet style fortune tellers and told each others' fortunes ( I am destined to lose money, be rich and get an A on a test) and then in a brainstorm brought on by her pouting for TV, I introduced Maddie to YouTube and we rounded out the evening with an Alvin and the Chipmunks fest. She repeated "Bad Day" at least 12 times and choreographed quite an elaborate dance routine to it... was flushed with very rosy cheeks by bedtime.
Tomorrow we lunch with Heather's mom and then I think we are supposed to meet my friend Jeannie for supper. Visiting day. Maddie also wants to go swimming again. Yoi. I need Adavan to cope with that pool. I am certain the lifeguards must have some, maybe they'll share.
3.6.08
on top of the rock
Keeping my teeth clenched talking to you
Because if I open my mouth too wide
All that will come out is a shriek of
Anguish
Or maybe a whimper of despair
Anyway, no one needs to hear that
Prometheus groans and carries on, but
I say, suck it up… it’s only your liver
The stupid eagle devours my heart every day
The pain is worst when it’s growing back
3 am
heart is half grown
and I wonder where you are
Wonder if I will ever again be happy I have a
Heart
Better let it die. This carnivorous feasting
On hope and devastation is
Going to clog my arteries
And kill me.
Because if I open my mouth too wide
All that will come out is a shriek of
Anguish
Or maybe a whimper of despair
Anyway, no one needs to hear that
Prometheus groans and carries on, but
I say, suck it up… it’s only your liver
The stupid eagle devours my heart every day
The pain is worst when it’s growing back
3 am
heart is half grown
and I wonder where you are
Wonder if I will ever again be happy I have a
Heart
Better let it die. This carnivorous feasting
On hope and devastation is
Going to clog my arteries
And kill me.
12.5.08
Shit lists.
Know what bugs me?
Just about everything. That's what. Normality where there shouldn't be. Being patient. People who change in ways you always wanted them to and then park you. Racket sports. Girls who go after other girls' fellas. Fellas who go along with it. Washing clothes and celebrating birthdays and conversing like nothing has changed and then realizing how empty is all is. Rain and cold in May. Work that expects overtime hours when I have a barely there brain. Work. Change. Static. Losing equilibrium. Feeling unevolved. Responding from my animal brain, snarling. Not having a mom to cry to. Stupid drivers. Feeling rushed. The futility of tears. Products that advertise that they're green just because their packaging is recyclable somewhere. People who don't care. People who don't care enough. Feeling too old. That X-Files got sucky and Firefly got cancelled. Network executives. Having to move. Having to wait to move. Not being loved. Being whiny. Stupid crying. Ugly colours and bad fonts. Batteries. And lots of other stuff, but that's enough for today.
Gratitude lists may be healthier, but sometimes you just have to vomit bile all over the page to get it out of your system.
Just about everything. That's what. Normality where there shouldn't be. Being patient. People who change in ways you always wanted them to and then park you. Racket sports. Girls who go after other girls' fellas. Fellas who go along with it. Washing clothes and celebrating birthdays and conversing like nothing has changed and then realizing how empty is all is. Rain and cold in May. Work that expects overtime hours when I have a barely there brain. Work. Change. Static. Losing equilibrium. Feeling unevolved. Responding from my animal brain, snarling. Not having a mom to cry to. Stupid drivers. Feeling rushed. The futility of tears. Products that advertise that they're green just because their packaging is recyclable somewhere. People who don't care. People who don't care enough. Feeling too old. That X-Files got sucky and Firefly got cancelled. Network executives. Having to move. Having to wait to move. Not being loved. Being whiny. Stupid crying. Ugly colours and bad fonts. Batteries. And lots of other stuff, but that's enough for today.
Gratitude lists may be healthier, but sometimes you just have to vomit bile all over the page to get it out of your system.
11.5.08
NSGA fundraiser
Thoughts from this event:
Don Brownrigg is really really good, and delightful to watch. He reminds me of Boyd Chubbs in the nicest way.
Ok, and he's yummy.
Tanya Davis was good -- better than I expected entirely. There are at least two songs she played that I must hear again. Must buy this album. Insightful lyrics and a quirky voice.
I actually enjoyed Catherine MacLellan this time, although I distinctly remember disliking her music -- intensely if I recall rightly -- in PEI at the ECMAs. She seemed more approachable and less haughty and that made her songs better. Or s'thing. Anyway, she's got a voice like warm butter and syrup and good songs a bit in the AT mold.
Speaking of AT -- are they finito?? How can I find this out?? Why doesn't the Hfx music scene have a Perez Hilton, dammit??
The Magpies were fun. The keyboardist looks a bit like John Cleese playing a Michael Pallin role though.
Don Brownrigg is really really good, and delightful to watch. He reminds me of Boyd Chubbs in the nicest way.
Ok, and he's yummy.
Tanya Davis was good -- better than I expected entirely. There are at least two songs she played that I must hear again. Must buy this album. Insightful lyrics and a quirky voice.
I actually enjoyed Catherine MacLellan this time, although I distinctly remember disliking her music -- intensely if I recall rightly -- in PEI at the ECMAs. She seemed more approachable and less haughty and that made her songs better. Or s'thing. Anyway, she's got a voice like warm butter and syrup and good songs a bit in the AT mold.
Speaking of AT -- are they finito?? How can I find this out?? Why doesn't the Hfx music scene have a Perez Hilton, dammit??
The Magpies were fun. The keyboardist looks a bit like John Cleese playing a Michael Pallin role though.
10.5.08
Whenever something or someone leaves your life, it presents an opportunity. Over the next year, I plan to:
Run
Write
Travel
Camp
Practice yoga regularly
Cook more
Read
Learn, learn, learn
Play guitar
Knit more
There are SO MANY things I want to do with my life. If I can add in even HALF of these I will be a richer, happier person than I am now. And so many of these I can share with Maddie. How can I remain blue for long with some much of life still to be eaten??
Run
Write
Travel
Camp
Practice yoga regularly
Cook more
Read
Learn, learn, learn
Play guitar
Knit more
There are SO MANY things I want to do with my life. If I can add in even HALF of these I will be a richer, happier person than I am now. And so many of these I can share with Maddie. How can I remain blue for long with some much of life still to be eaten??
Saw the movie Forgetting sarah marshall last night. Very interesting experiment in subverting stereotypes... the male characters had all the features of typical female characters. The tip off is the gratuitous nudity in the first scene. I haven't seen that much sausage on screen since the last porno I rented.
28.4.08
Tightrope
It started on the ground, a
Long distance teasing.
Betcha can't!
I so can.
Betcha won't.
Maybe we shouldn't.
I climbed the ladder, laughing, so
full then, of freedom and fearless euphoria.
He was more hesitant.
Maybe --I don't
know, it's stupid, it's
dangerous, yeah, ok,
let's do it.
He climbed the ladder as well.
At the top, we faced each other, across all the
clean, open space, so far free of fear and crowding memories.
I will if you will, arms
Outstretched, one hesitant foot on the rope. Just a
rope, what am I thinking, but...
He waved and smiled.
I swayed in free space, deep breath.
I don't care, he said, but
I saw him glance down, although he would deny it.
Come on, he said, I will if you will.
So I stepped again, swaying
Gently, trying not to let my
Knees shake.
He was so far away.
In the middle, he said, I'll meet
you in the middle.
Three times I froze, petrified,
fear sweeping over me like vertigo nausea, leaving me
sweating, wondering what the hell
I was doing on a damn tightrope, me
so scared of heights.
But each time I froze, he
coaxed, cajoled, scolded, all love and
fire and confident promise.
Meet me! I'm right here. Don't stop. Run
if you can, it's better that way. Come to
me.
Finally, so near, I could see his arms
outstretched, his heart beat
raising his shirt in rhythm, the
love on his face a warm sun to calm me, finally I
burst the last chains of fear
on my heart, and I ran, not looking down, just
leapt forward and
he
let
me
fall
dark rushing by
my ears, followed
by a soft,
whispered
sorry....
Long distance teasing.
Betcha can't!
I so can.
Betcha won't.
Maybe we shouldn't.
I climbed the ladder, laughing, so
full then, of freedom and fearless euphoria.
He was more hesitant.
Maybe --I don't
know, it's stupid, it's
dangerous, yeah, ok,
let's do it.
He climbed the ladder as well.
At the top, we faced each other, across all the
clean, open space, so far free of fear and crowding memories.
I will if you will, arms
Outstretched, one hesitant foot on the rope. Just a
rope, what am I thinking, but...
He waved and smiled.
I swayed in free space, deep breath.
I don't care, he said, but
I saw him glance down, although he would deny it.
Come on, he said, I will if you will.
So I stepped again, swaying
Gently, trying not to let my
Knees shake.
He was so far away.
In the middle, he said, I'll meet
you in the middle.
Three times I froze, petrified,
fear sweeping over me like vertigo nausea, leaving me
sweating, wondering what the hell
I was doing on a damn tightrope, me
so scared of heights.
But each time I froze, he
coaxed, cajoled, scolded, all love and
fire and confident promise.
Meet me! I'm right here. Don't stop. Run
if you can, it's better that way. Come to
me.
Finally, so near, I could see his arms
outstretched, his heart beat
raising his shirt in rhythm, the
love on his face a warm sun to calm me, finally I
burst the last chains of fear
on my heart, and I ran, not looking down, just
leapt forward and
he
let
me
fall
dark rushing by
my ears, followed
by a soft,
whispered
sorry....
25.4.08
Look into my eyes, tell me what you see
Do you see the lies, that you told to me
Do you see the scars on my heart that bleeds
When I think about the love I need
You don't know what you want
I don't know I need
I only know that this sense
Of standing still
Is killing me
(... in progress)
Also, I just noticed the suggested labels in blogspot are "Scooters, vacation, fall" which will likely only be funny to me and Erin, and maybe Katie.
Do you see the lies, that you told to me
Do you see the scars on my heart that bleeds
When I think about the love I need
You don't know what you want
I don't know I need
I only know that this sense
Of standing still
Is killing me
(... in progress)
Also, I just noticed the suggested labels in blogspot are "Scooters, vacation, fall" which will likely only be funny to me and Erin, and maybe Katie.
My damn folk song
Yeah, that's right, I wrote a folk song. It ain't beautiful, and it will never be recorded or anything, but the spirit seized me, and amazingly demanded that I not write my typical blank verse poetry. Perhaps I am filled with the particular brand of heartache that requires rhyme and a country twang.
If filled with enough drink, I would likely sing a verse or two of this for you. Strong drink, but you're buying. And FYI, it is NOT a country song. Nosir. It's folk. So sez I.
However How
Hello face, in my mirror
Let’s what we see here,
A few more wrinkles, not surprising
Life’s way of compromising
If you stay, I will try, but
I won’t lay down and die
Try to hold me in the now
Got to be me, however how.
However how, however how
What it takes I don’t know
However how, however how
Try to stay in the flow
I thought your love was so safe
But I guess I was mistaken
Thought I’d be the one to chafe
But my aloofness was all fakin’
Now you’re living a dream,
That you’ve had since you were little
How can I hold you back,
But can I play second fiddle?
However how, however how
What it takes I don’t know
However how, however how
Try to stay in the flow
I want flowers, I want songs
I want praise and affection
But I want you most of all
Seems you are my predilection
So can I compromise,
Can I hold you any longer?
If you go will I stop,
or will I grow much stronger?
Little bird singing out
in my backyard pine tree
Can you help me at all,
I’m not sure I can find me….
However how, however how
What it takes I don’t know
However how, however how
Try to stay in the flow
If filled with enough drink, I would likely sing a verse or two of this for you. Strong drink, but you're buying. And FYI, it is NOT a country song. Nosir. It's folk. So sez I.
However How
Hello face, in my mirror
Let’s what we see here,
A few more wrinkles, not surprising
Life’s way of compromising
If you stay, I will try, but
I won’t lay down and die
Try to hold me in the now
Got to be me, however how.
However how, however how
What it takes I don’t know
However how, however how
Try to stay in the flow
I thought your love was so safe
But I guess I was mistaken
Thought I’d be the one to chafe
But my aloofness was all fakin’
Now you’re living a dream,
That you’ve had since you were little
How can I hold you back,
But can I play second fiddle?
However how, however how
What it takes I don’t know
However how, however how
Try to stay in the flow
I want flowers, I want songs
I want praise and affection
But I want you most of all
Seems you are my predilection
So can I compromise,
Can I hold you any longer?
If you go will I stop,
or will I grow much stronger?
Little bird singing out
in my backyard pine tree
Can you help me at all,
I’m not sure I can find me….
However how, however how
What it takes I don’t know
However how, however how
Try to stay in the flow
18.4.08
Life is good
1. I have a beautiful daughter who is smart and healthy.
2. I have amazing friends who support me, kick me when I need it, make me laugh, give me hugs and various cheeses, and wine with no whine.
3. I am getting healthier every day, working out regularly, walking and eating well (with the exception of a large amount of cheese today).
4. I have a great new job where they appreciate me, in a setting that itself is a good influence.
5. I have a great recently-left job where they appreciated me, taught me a tonne and remain good friends.
6. I have a super-supportive ex-husband, who is also a good friend.
7. I woke to a great, if ultimately meaningless, snog.
8. I have tickets to St. John's for June, a full week's vacation. Yay!
9. I have a very lovey cat who is hanging in there and is very snuggly if a bit yowly.
2. I have amazing friends who support me, kick me when I need it, make me laugh, give me hugs and various cheeses, and wine with no whine.
3. I am getting healthier every day, working out regularly, walking and eating well (with the exception of a large amount of cheese today).
4. I have a great new job where they appreciate me, in a setting that itself is a good influence.
5. I have a great recently-left job where they appreciated me, taught me a tonne and remain good friends.
6. I have a super-supportive ex-husband, who is also a good friend.
7. I woke to a great, if ultimately meaningless, snog.
8. I have tickets to St. John's for June, a full week's vacation. Yay!
9. I have a very lovey cat who is hanging in there and is very snuggly if a bit yowly.
16.4.08
a puke green sofa
A few Weakerthan lyrics were resonating on my walk today:
a puke-green sofa and an outline to a complicated dream of dignity (from everything must go)
and, from Aside,
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay
Yesterday it was Mika's Interpretation.
It behooves me to wonder whether music plays a role in creating an emotional placebo effect. Does placebo even apply with such ephemerals?
a puke-green sofa and an outline to a complicated dream of dignity (from everything must go)
and, from Aside,
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay
Yesterday it was Mika's Interpretation.
It behooves me to wonder whether music plays a role in creating an emotional placebo effect. Does placebo even apply with such ephemerals?
9.4.08
state of the union
State of the Union
A bit like the USSR
cracked like the outside of the egg you thought was hard boiled, but
Instead runny messy whites are getting everywhere
No one trusts that their neighbors recycle
No one trusts that politicians and police want to help
I can't trust you
I don't trust me
Walking helps because forward motion is essential
Sitting still to eat, think, breathe is hard
Moving keeps alive the idea that change is good, not here
but there, not now but maybe later.
Later doesn't happen. The INXS song will still be playing but they will,
They will still tear us apart, love will tear us apart, like Joy Division, dark
dark music.
There's light outside this bruised ego, ahead somewhere, but
I just can't find the facility of indifference I cherished when I held the reins
Just months ago. Months? Unbelievable. Relentless, this spring,
It keeps coming, growing, greening, and I keep getting up, moving forward, reacting
to the world as if I was really
here.
I ache and crave valium, lethe, but not alcohol. I crave time. I want a redo. Game off.
Game off.
A bit like the USSR
cracked like the outside of the egg you thought was hard boiled, but
Instead runny messy whites are getting everywhere
No one trusts that their neighbors recycle
No one trusts that politicians and police want to help
I can't trust you
I don't trust me
Walking helps because forward motion is essential
Sitting still to eat, think, breathe is hard
Moving keeps alive the idea that change is good, not here
but there, not now but maybe later.
Later doesn't happen. The INXS song will still be playing but they will,
They will still tear us apart, love will tear us apart, like Joy Division, dark
dark music.
There's light outside this bruised ego, ahead somewhere, but
I just can't find the facility of indifference I cherished when I held the reins
Just months ago. Months? Unbelievable. Relentless, this spring,
It keeps coming, growing, greening, and I keep getting up, moving forward, reacting
to the world as if I was really
here.
I ache and crave valium, lethe, but not alcohol. I crave time. I want a redo. Game off.
Game off.
2.4.08
Solid Gold locals
Just noticed this in a signature and it made coffee come out my nose. The. Best.
roderick wrote:
Q: How many indie rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I heard that joke like, four years ago. On vinyl.
roderick wrote:
Q: How many indie rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I heard that joke like, four years ago. On vinyl.
29.3.08
Sad and unable to get ego out of the way
I'm finding it very difficult to get back to my laissez-faire comfort zone. Caring too much is cutting my zen. I must find a plateau in this freefall, a toehold to cling to. A spar to cling to.
I wish I had some eminem to listen to right now.
I wish I had some eminem to listen to right now.
5.3.08
Barenaked Interpreter
Steven Page, if you are reading my blog, please do not take any of the following personally. It's not you.
First of all, this is the first year in a few that S and I haven't made the ECMA scene... so it was delightful to see the full weekend's activities profiled (but in an HOUR? Too short!!) But what great and venerable brain at the CBC felt that the East Coast Music Awards required a narrative framework to allow the rest of the country to appreciate it? I mean, Page is quirky and funny, but is the message here that
a) the rest of the country won't understand what's going on unless a central Canadian celebrity sticks their face in the camera and explains it, possibly because of our 'way out' Eastern accents? (no doot)
or, and more perniciously,
b) if they didn't put on a 'real celebrity'... you know, one from away... the rest of the country wouldn't watch. In fact, maybe no one from here would either. It hasn't been lost on us that the ECMA organization has sort of bent themselves sideways to find a way to involve Sloan every year, now that they're big TO celebs hobnobbing with the Gomeshi and suchlike.
The whole thing came across as rather precious... "Look, here's some fiddles! and feet tapping! How quaint! Look, here's Meaghan Smith, overawed by the big celebrity! Look, here's Jenn Grant looking like a clutzy loser--because someone from TO told her to!"
The chucklehead that dreamed up this set up needs to be delivered a swift boot in their musical sensibilities. The music of Eastern Canada, as I rediscover every year at the ECMAs and the accompanying No-Cases, is deep, rich, incredibly varied... and yes, we are proud people, and if it seems negative that we don't enjoy the central Canadian CBC's condescension, well, sorry to bruise your wee darling little feelings. (Don't get me wrong, our local CBC crews are great. I <3 Stephanie Domet.)
You know, we have entertainers down here that could have filled the Page spot nicely, if that is the set up that they insisted on. Kelly Peck, Stephanie Domet, Stan Carew, one of our local music journalists (Dean Lisk writes a mighty cute review), even... well, what about that other Page? You know, OURS, the one that was nominated for an Oscar?
I guess they couldn't really use her, though, because they'd have had to change the title to "Juno's East Coast"--and that would have been confusing. Especially for the Central Canadians.
First of all, this is the first year in a few that S and I haven't made the ECMA scene... so it was delightful to see the full weekend's activities profiled (but in an HOUR? Too short!!) But what great and venerable brain at the CBC felt that the East Coast Music Awards required a narrative framework to allow the rest of the country to appreciate it? I mean, Page is quirky and funny, but is the message here that
a) the rest of the country won't understand what's going on unless a central Canadian celebrity sticks their face in the camera and explains it, possibly because of our 'way out' Eastern accents? (no doot)
or, and more perniciously,
b) if they didn't put on a 'real celebrity'... you know, one from away... the rest of the country wouldn't watch. In fact, maybe no one from here would either. It hasn't been lost on us that the ECMA organization has sort of bent themselves sideways to find a way to involve Sloan every year, now that they're big TO celebs hobnobbing with the Gomeshi and suchlike.
The whole thing came across as rather precious... "Look, here's some fiddles! and feet tapping! How quaint! Look, here's Meaghan Smith, overawed by the big celebrity! Look, here's Jenn Grant looking like a clutzy loser--because someone from TO told her to!"
The chucklehead that dreamed up this set up needs to be delivered a swift boot in their musical sensibilities. The music of Eastern Canada, as I rediscover every year at the ECMAs and the accompanying No-Cases, is deep, rich, incredibly varied... and yes, we are proud people, and if it seems negative that we don't enjoy the central Canadian CBC's condescension, well, sorry to bruise your wee darling little feelings. (Don't get me wrong, our local CBC crews are great. I <3 Stephanie Domet.)
You know, we have entertainers down here that could have filled the Page spot nicely, if that is the set up that they insisted on. Kelly Peck, Stephanie Domet, Stan Carew, one of our local music journalists (Dean Lisk writes a mighty cute review), even... well, what about that other Page? You know, OURS, the one that was nominated for an Oscar?
I guess they couldn't really use her, though, because they'd have had to change the title to "Juno's East Coast"--and that would have been confusing. Especially for the Central Canadians.
28.2.08
Want to Travel
The gotta-go bug has seized me and I want so much to go somewhere, ANYWHERE, I am just about prepared to do anything. I can't tell whether I want to weep or throw up. I feel like a caged lion. Too broke to go anywhere.
Anyone need a mule?
Anyone need a mule?
23.2.08
Notoriety and fame
It's very exciting to be mentioned on someone else's blog--in this case, the CJCH hotline blog! Even if I am mentioned as "the woman from Clean Nova Scotia" :S.
My inner Sally Field is pleased that they like me.
My inner Sally Field is pleased that they like me.
22.2.08
I has lion tamer jacket!
Which is very exciting, except it kind of accentuates my big butt. That's right, I am NOT not wearing it because The Man balked. I am disappointed it doesn't look better, because I love it so. A picture sometime soon, mayhap, hippo booty and all.
21.2.08
let me off
After watching first Zeitgeist, the movie, and then the Facebook conspiracy bit on YouTube, and after working for three years for an environmental education organization, I am left wondering what kind of minute impact I have made on anything. Is it even possible? Does our work matter? oh, I have so many questions and I am feeling very burnt out. YOu know what I'm enjoying lately? Writing policy and running meetings. Administrivia. Yep, a sure sign I am becoming deranged.
Let me off this ride.
Let me off this ride.
One of my 'lost 80s faves'
Prefab Sprout! You know what this is? This is Madigan bait.
Craig Madigan, are you out there?? Helllloooo??
20.2.08
Paul must be the ascendant Beatle
Ok, it's happened. Target has begun running a commercial that revisits the Beatles' "Hello Goodbye" as "you say good buy, and I say hello".
The flower children have long since become the mall mamas and capitalist daddies, oh I know, but at least leave memories for the rest of us. The Doors selling cars, Lou Reed selling... what have you...the Beatles represented as capitalist anthem writers.
If this is not a sign of the Apocalypse or a middle circle in hell, it is at least a vision that Timothy Leary had during a very, very bad trip.
Yeah, I signed back on just to write that line.
The flower children have long since become the mall mamas and capitalist daddies, oh I know, but at least leave memories for the rest of us. The Doors selling cars, Lou Reed selling... what have you...the Beatles represented as capitalist anthem writers.
If this is not a sign of the Apocalypse or a middle circle in hell, it is at least a vision that Timothy Leary had during a very, very bad trip.
Yeah, I signed back on just to write that line.
4.2.08
remembering when poems used to seize me
A Balloon is a Fragile Friend
A balloon is a fragile friend.
You cannot hold him too tightly or closely,
You cannot let sharp words pierce his thin skin.
But
If you treat him with care,
You can hold onto his string
While he bounds aloft to the sky,
Cresting the wind,
Caressing the air.
Attached to him, you will be
A part of the sky's greatness,
A piece of the infinite, not just
Another gravity-bound clay vessel.
So you hold that string, until he
Slowly falls to earth, drained,
Or until you feel a pang of remorse
For your anchoring weight, and let go--
Letting him ride higher and deeper
Into the blue
Of all you cannot reach.
-CMBY, 2003
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