Resolutions because tis the season

Well, sort of resolutions -- I'm more about themes and commitments. 2016 is going to be themed "Better, not perfect" and also "serenity."

A - Apples, avocados, abalone. I will recommit to mostly vegetarianism, and continue to seize opportunities to try new, unique foods.

B - Beer. Not giving it up.

C - Calm.The neverending search for inner peace, or at least a facade of calm will continue. Also, coffee - not giving it up either, but maybe cutting back.

D - Vitamin D. Getting outside more to get fresh air and sun, even in the godforsaken depths of miserable winter.

E - Education. I will make a decision with what I am doing and commit to it. 

F - Films. I will see more and continue to learn from Todd (and Bruce). :-)

G - Goofy. I will be exactly as silly as I want. No apologies.

H - Halifax. I will explore more of this amazing city, like a tourist.

I - Imagination. I will flex mine more. Believe 10 impossible things before breakfast.

J - Jealousy. Lettin it go. I've been good at not giving in to it over the last few years, sticking with that.

K - Kitties. I will always make time to pat them.

L - Love. I will focus on doing more to show my appreciation for those \I love, especially Maddie and Todd.

M - Movement. I will stick to my workouts and my monthly goals. January: do 10 toe push ups. 

N - Novel. NaNoWriMo will never happen, so I will choose a summer month and get started. 

O - Owls. I will craft more owls, because I love them so. Bubo!

P - Pen to paper. Daily.

Q - Quietness. I will embrace it.

R - Relationships. I will remember what is important.

S - Space. I will leave some around my reactions and my thoughts, to ensure I give things proper consideration.

T - Truth. I will spend more time facing it and embracing it- and sharing it.

U - Unkind. I will try hard not to be. Also, double negatives, bad they are.

V - Valance. I will finally get one in the kitchen.

W - Words. I will keep working at mastering them.

X - Xenophobic - I will avoid racist people and monitor my privilege and reactions for vestiges of my own biases.

Y - Yin and yang. I acknowledge that this is a world of opposites that requires balance. Sometimes balance is not the middle way but swinging through extremes. That is okay.

Z - Zest. I will cook more with lemon, because I love lemon!

Rampant Restlessness

(Stillness not exactly as shown.)



Hilarious to note what my last post was. I came here to vent about what feels like a midlife crisis. I don't like what I do, don't think I'm very good at most of it, and most of all, don't feel like I have a driving passion or cause.


It's the rootlessness again--or, as my dear ex-husband the life coach points out, it's my saboteur: restlessness. Well, restlessness has a cause, and it's a fundamental discontent with--something. I have a fire in my belly that drives me, and absolutely no direction. So, I am driven in circles. (Around the bend, one might even say.)

It's mighty frustrating.

To start, I want to do ALL THE THINGS. Write novels, paint, knit, run a company, win awards, practice yoga, learn to code, learn to play guitar, get thin, travel, build, do! But I don't want any one thing enough to focus fully on it.

Maybe my chakras aren't aligned.

I have to keep at what I do because it feels late for a big switch, and some parts I love. But these ADHD afternoons are killing me.

Any suggestions? What do you do with a surfeit of ambition and limited resources?

I am nothing.

I am nothing.

This isn't a false modesty post, it is a factual statement on my identification with subcultures, or in fact, any culture. I am nothing.

I have no strong ethnic identification, nor country-of-origin identity. Apparently, according my genealogy-expert uncle, I have ancestors from Wales, Scotland, England, France. My family cherishes no special cooking, dancing, or language traditions. We have no strong religious affiliation. I venerate no special country as my 'homeland' (if anything, that is Parrsboro, the small Nova Scotia town my mother was from.)

I am not gay, though in the right circumstances I could probably move along the sexual identity spectrum nearer to 'gayish'.

I am not a gamer, a musician, an uber fan of anything. I have watched my partner make himself a movie expert over the last 12 months. I am jealous. I am an expert in nothing.

I have no ancestry related to native or aboriginal peoples. I am not black. None of my ancestors, that I know of, were slaves or gypsies or forced to build a railway. None of my ancestors will likely be featured in a movie of the week.

I have no cultural identity. Where that should be sits a bath of white privilege, surrounded by a shallow moat of economic disadvantage, a leftover from my youth that my adulthood has made moot.

Oh, I have family traditions. Sayings, shared references, shared recipes. My family on one side contains business people, entrepreneurs, apparently rum runners from way back. Writing talent, creativity, ridiculous humour, alcoholism. Blue collar, mostly. On the other side, poverty, mental health challenges, family drama, abuse, some typical Nova Scotia stories of split families half located in Alberta or BC. Some colourful, unique characters. Strong women.

I have no deep traditions nor roots. When I was a teen I explored some subcultures--goth, extreme music fan. None really rooted. I am balanced, I guess. I am an ally. I support those who lack my privilege, the privilege embedded in my skin colour, in my country of birth. But what do I support them with? In some ways, I have no identity.

Ironic that my work draws me to branding. That I am drawn to be an authentic witness and spokesperson... but cannot find for WHAT, which cause, company, identity can I authentically voice? It's terribly frustrating.