OIC

Text appallingly unworthy of being shown to the world. I'm sorry. So unfair. Be happy. I am.

Somewhere beyond the portals I see

Loud music is coming from somewhere. I'm completely wound up tonight. Overtired, excited about the weekend a bit, although I shouldn't be, proud of myself for ignoring the siren song of the MSN green light.

Also I just worked out, really too late. Watched 30 Rock, it was the one with Paul Reubens as the austrian prince. FUNNY.

I never get insomnia. Well, rarely. This is a weird week. Too much flipping decisions and things I can't change over and over in my mind. If one is a pinball between two things like this, back and forth and unable to settle, it's often the case that neither is the right answer. Let it go.

two songs to head to bed with:

Al Stewart-The Year of the Cat

Nicolette Larsen - Lotta Love

The late night forlorn must stop

Honestly, I must laugh at myself when I reread some of this. I hope you laugh too. Pathetic, a bit, eh? Still if you don't pity yourself, who else will, right?

WHY does Jian Gomeshi think it's ok to use White Wedding as his theme? He is about as far removed from Billy Idol as one can get. Somebody smack the Gomeshi, pls. Thanks. Also, my friend who was in school with him remembers when he was just plain Jean -- as in John, in French.

Rob sent me a Molly Oliver song today. I feel very attuned to my uber-cool 12 year old inner rocker.

Despite last post....

I still wish this was for me... Not likely I will ever have such stuff written about me though, more's the pity.

PSST
missing you.
i never told you i loved you, but i did and still do. Now all we can do is avoid each other or give a blank stare. i still don't know exactly what happened, but i suppose i was just never your priority. we should have just been friends but you were too much to resist.

:-(

For some reason, today, it just hit me that I really miss your companionship. So, yes, this is wiser, this distance, and it helps me clarify what I really want and not just succumb to the thought that if we are good friends and sexually compatible, and I care about you, we should be more. But I miss the visits, and the cards.

Today in the staff meeting our icebreaker was to describe our favourite gift. Mine was having someone to hang out with on Christmas Eve, and play cards with. Just so you know. Not that you are reading this.

As for other romantic opportunities, they are appearing. I am trying to stand back and watch and appreciate. The one that matters is... I don't know. At a tenuous stage. Perhaps some day we can be friends.

Laughed my ass off

I wish this were literally possible, because there would be a lot less junk in my trunk.

What is it about the damn Capers?

Fun fun fun evening, even if I stink like smoke now. My face hurts. I need to sleep. It is NOT the coffee keeping me up, honest.

Pssst

Had a great day... a buzz of activity, and feeling good all day. Some interesting correspondence, I suppose with some possibilities attached. Whatever. As long as I don't care too much, everything goes better.

Everything will be great.

Onward and upward.


Psst... sleeping alone does really kind of bite, though. :P

New Year's

I am a few days late posting this, but it is worth recording.

At midnight, the dawn of the new year, I was walking down Willow Street, alone, outside in the blizzard. The snow made it impossible to see too far ahead or behind. All around me I caught auditory glimpses of traditional new year's... laughter, music, and, as midnight rang, an explosion of fireworks, muted through the snow. I couldn't really see the fireworks, but I could hear them, and smell them, and being outside, I felt a part of everything, but apart from everything. It was an odd, odd feeling. I reflected on my choice not to go to Natalie's, my choice to be where I was at that moment, and headed where I was and decided that whatever other choices or happenstance surrounded me, I was exactly where I should be in that moment.

Alone. Snow blind. Not too cold. In my city, a part of it all, but apart from it all. Happy.

I always want to make such things portentious. Maybe I should let that go.

There were two vignettes I witnessed: two young teenage girls with noisemakers and no coats dancing in the middle of the street, enjoying being awake and a part of the grown-up scene of NYE, but clearly not quite sure why they should be enjoying it. ("THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.... right? Isn't it?")

And three young adults standing by my church lighting fireworks in such a way as to lead me to expect someone to leave with singed eyebrows. Luckily for them, their lighter was sputtering to an end as I went by.