I hate MSN Messenger. Oh, I love it too, but I hate it. There is something about it that taps directly into the darkest, most insecure, needy and stupid areas of my cluttered brain. How does this happen? Having a normal conversation and then... the spaces, the times between replies, the number of ellipses and 'smileys'--I start trying to interpret these the way one uses nonverbal cues in normal face to face conversation. Cue the crazy. Suddenly I find myself delving into the sort of philosophical / psychological analysis one should only resort to at 2 am after mass consumption of inebriants. And then I scramble to fix it, with my utter stupid honesty, and try to explain, which only... yes... digs it all deeper.
Final result: I am a crazy, schizophrenic, clingy, nightmare possibly stalker woman, onscreen anyway, and whoever I was talking to will no longer speak to me. Really, it's a super effective way to circumvent ever having to deal with any 'relationship' issues, since no relationship will ever develop in this acidic environment.
All those things in minute quantities are part of my personality--I defy anyone to say that they have NO insecurities (give me a waterproof definition of the line between infatuated and needy). MSN just magnifies them until they are the sum total instead of the healthy 10% or so they should be. The medium is the message, the medium tailors the message, the medium eats my brain.
I put this out there as a warning to those who want to 'get to know me' online, and as an apology to those I've alienated hopelessly. I'm certain there is no way to sweep out all the bad mojo introduced by my ridiculous MSNing, but I apologize, and then shrug, because there's really nothing else I can do at this point.
I have opinions on things and I like to talk about them.
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