holy attack of the crappies again batman.

I guess the blog missed the saga of the 8 hour wait at the airport coming home.

Oh well, yesterday's news now.

Today I had Maddie for Canada Day and was utterly unable to get us out the door before 2:30. So we got to the Commons for about an hour and a hal f but missed entirely the concert I wanted to go to... not surprising since maddie was whining about the whole idea (once she got through whining about having to get dressed to go out). So, she won. Yay loud screaming kids. Boo bands. Frickin awesome.

Which is the mood I've been in all day. I really wanted to shake her. I am filled with rage and depression and can't figure out where it's coming from today. I have been doing fairly well. I am lonely for company, adult company. I feel as if I must adjust myself to a life not focussed on any hope for love or desire but when I think about it I want to walk into the sea. People do this... they face life, and thrive, and work for charities, and learn things and have fun, even, apparently. I wish I knew what is wrong with me.

Just writing this I'm starting to cry. Not cool. Not a very good or stable example for Maddie. So I guess not only am I a bad girlfriend, an unwanted lover, and a sucky friend, I'm a bad mother too. I wish I had never been born.

Edit: why do I write these things and send them out into a public forum? A pathetic bid for pity I guess. A ceaseless seeking for a reason to hope. A pathological need to be understood.

Don't think I'll let this one post to facebook though.