working it out

Even months later, you sometimes need to go back mentally and fix a scene that you played wrong. You know what I'm talking about... the "I should have said..." syndrome, and you wonder if you'd said it right THEN, would everything be different now? Probably not, but it's a bit freeing to rewrite it all regardless.

First of all, I'm sorry. I pushed to come over that night, even though a bunch of my friends were gathered downtown, and all I can say is that I was addicted to you, and afraid of it slipping away. So I went to hang out with my friends, and then, proudly, mysteriously slipped away to go tryst, to borrow another man's word. Pride goeth before a fall, says my mother's voice in my head, and it's true... I was too caught up in your mystique, your worldview, and from that vantage, being chosen to spend time with you was the golden prize everyone must want. I put too much of my self-valuing into that thought.

Arriving after a cluster of bad mojo getting there left me on the path to overwrought, coupled with the hormonal surge that happens to some of us of the female persuasion at certain times of the moon. In other words, I was a powder keg already, and the trip out sparked the fuse. Having your friends ... or rather, 'friends', there, especially reminiscing about the girlfriend that any fool, even me, could see you weren't at all over.... well, that fanned the flame.

Luckily I just imploded instead of lashing out at everyone around me. I just wanted to apologize. All I wanted was to hear you say, just once, "I want you to stay," and you wouldn't, you damned Libra, you terrible justice. You wouldn't make any move one way or the other, you just calmly turned it back on me. And therefore, there was no way for me to hide from the knowledge of what we really were and what I really wanted, which wasn't going to be.

In that moment, I was just that chubby nerdy brainy kid again, and you were still the good looking, cool bad boy, and I knew we didn't even belong in the same universe, let alone the same bed. I hated you a little, for making me feel like that person again, since I haven't felt that way in a long, long time. But you know I couldn't have hated you if I didn't already have strong feelings for you, and for that reason, I couldn't go back.

Oh you know I've tried. And I appreciate your ability to remain friendly without encouraging me. I didn't expect anything going in, and until just before that night, I struggled to remain unexpectant, in the moment... to just see what happened and not care one way or another. But I lost my equilibrium. It happens.

So, thank you for everything. And I meant it when I said if there's ever anything I can do for you, I will. You have the gift of being very lovable, and I'm almost angry at the rest of the world that that gift didn't take you where it should have. Given a different start... but then, who's to say a different start wouldn't have resulted in an entirely different you? Maybe it was the damage that made you exactly what and who you are, and who you need to be. You belong on stage, and in the hearts of thousands, instead of where you are. If I'm being melodramatic, blame Todd and his stupid books, but there is something about you that stirs the depths, and after all, I am still that brainy nerd, and this is how I talk when no one is listening.

xo