Does silence mean no?

The Dal Gazette recently ran an editorial that raised the point that accepting that "silence means no" ... one of the tenets of the No Means No campaign... is limiting a woman's power of choice, in effect accepting the infantilization of women. Part of me agrees with the editorial, the same part of me that rails against the ridiculous first-line defense for women offered by most police advisors: the old "don't dress provocatively, don't walk alone at night, etc".

I hate that. I'll dress how I damn well want and walk where I want, when I want, and have every right to expect that my presence alone should not be considered a contributing factor if another person chooses to commit a crime.

However, a deep part of my mind stands behind "Silence means no"... and not just the silence of the unconscious. Do men need to be told that if you're passed out, it doesn't mean they should go ahead and have sex with you? Really? No, I mean the silence of fear.

Have you never been so afraid of another person that you were afraid to move, afraid to make a sound, so you just sat and mentally prayed that some external moral or legal code, or conscience, or passerby would offer you a wedge through which you might escape? If you've lived in a family situation or with a loved one with a hair trigger temper you know exactly what I'm talking about. I personally have not experienced date rape as a result of this fear, but I can easily project a situation in which this would happen.

In university, I got myself into situations a few times where I found myself alone with a wolf at the end of the night. And I didn't particularly want to have sex with these men, but I'd certainly led them to believe I did. I consciously in at least three situations went through the thought process of weighing off the hassle of trying to leave or get rid of them versus the discomfort of going through with it, and chose the easier path of just letting them do their thing. I wouldn't call these situations date rape, although part of my deliberations were "how likely is this guy to get angry / violent?" These were learning experiences, part of my growth leading to the person I am now. Now I have a voice. Now I will say, "no". Then again, now I won't (usually) get myself into stupid situations. I was strong then, I thought. But I am a lot stronger now.

I have a daughter. She's not terribly assertive. For her sake, yes, I think silence should be construed as a no.

If you want to be where you are... at least nod, and maybe throw out a little "mmhm".